19 November 2008 ~ 24 Comments

Gaijin hijinks

There used to be a hilarious English comic strip in Japanzine magazine, very popular in Japan, about a loser from Canada who comes to Japan to teach English and, by virtue of being un-Japanese, becomes super popular. It was called Charisma Man. This was before my time (I arrived here in 2003charisma-man) but it remains kind of an icon among expats over here. The idea being that Japanese people, women especially, dote over unworthy foreigners simply because they are different, and in doing so transform these losers, inflate their egos and create superheroes, at least in the Charisma Man’s mind. Man, does that comic strip ring true.

I won’t say I was a Charisma Man but I confess I got more action over here and…better quality is overstating it a bit, but let’s just say the J-Factor unbalances the scale and the mind, and gives Japanese girls an unfair advantage over anything I got back home in NY. And, it was comparatively easier to get and easier to maintain. So, yes, sometimes even I made the mistake of believing that my so-called conquests here had something to do with me personally. Like a fool.

It didn’t take very long to realize that in this land of monotony, I was attractive solely because I was considered exotic. You learn that once you’ve seen enough Japanese hotties holding hands with guys you know have never even seen a pussy back home unless it was strictly a cash transaction. In NY, there’s a lot of everything so, for us, exotic is a tall order. We settle for slightly unusual. Maybe that helped me regain my balance quicker than some others. The bliss I was mainlining was derived from my idea of exotic. Asian women remained in that category simply because in NY they were virtually inaccessible.

But, not here.

The Charisma Man phenomenon can get pretty ugly when you go to a bar, let’s say some Gaijin watering hole like The Hub, and there are about 100 or so of these superheroes, some aware that they are Charisma Men, some completely unaware, bumping heads and dicks over the buffet of Japanese college students and office ladies who came there to be entertained by gaijin hijinks, practice English and satisfy their curiosity. It’s a madhouse. That’s Tokyo on any given night.

The other thing is I’d come to believe that the consummate Charisma Man, to Japanese eyes, looks like that picture above, and I decidedly do not. So, while he is doted over disproportionately (no wonder he loses all perspective), I was relegated to the Hip Hop Hoes who are usually attracted to the images they see of black guys in music videos, which, in their eyes, I do resemble. Rarely did I come across a girl who was interested in anything about me after they established that I wasn’t in Tokyo producing a music video or performing or dancing in one. Unlike that charasmatic hero above, I was never asked was I an Investment Banker or any kind of businessman. Always sports or entertainment…or worse: military.

“You are English teacher? Ah sou nan da. Sugoi! Oshiete kureru no?” (You don’t say. That’s wonderful! Can you teach me?)

“Moshi nihongo oshiete kure nara oshiete ageruyo…” wink-wink. (If you teach me Japanese, sure I’ll teach you.)

Add a bunch of banal questions about Hip Hop and about New York ( I wasn’t above producing my NY Driver’s License as exhibit A either, because, well, NY is a good conversation piece and selling point, not to mention a lot of African cats claim NY as their birthright, as well, so bona fides can help seal the deal) and, basically, that was the extent of the game I had to bring to get the majority of the action I got. The rest was just a matter of setting up the first date, if necessary, which often had a happy ending at a Love Hotel or an Internet Cafe where she can fantasize she’s fellating Snoop-Dog or Nelly and I can notch my belt and have something to write about. No language exchange takes place unless you count my explaining how to talk dirty in English and her hollering “Iku!” (I’m coming) But, everyone goes home happy and none the wiser…

Or, do they?

The ease with which this transaction transpires can have an adverse effect. You come to take it for granted. And, in a society where many of the girls tend to look, dress, act and think the same, you come to expect the same results each time out. Also, you begin to see all Japanese girls as the same, which is far from the truth. You don’t notice cause you’re having the time of your life, but in reality you’re standing at the apex of a veeeery slippery slope. One false move and down you go, and where you’ll stop, nobody knows. Your soul is on the line. Many foreigners here say fuck it and go for a ski.

And, so did I.

I can’t speak for all foreigners over here. Different people have different experiences here. It all depends on how they choose to deal with the challenges they face here. One such challenge I think we all face is saying no to booty. If cuties throw booty at you simply because you’re a foreigner, you could say no. You could ask that booty throwing cutie, do you like me for me, or do you like me because you think I dance like Usher, sing like R. Kelly, pop it like it’s hot like Snoop? Because my skin is dark and chocolatey, and you think my dick is bigger than a liter coke bottle? It’s your choice. And, in doing so, you may retain your self-respect.

But, to me, in Japan, that’s gay! (-:

Loco

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24 Responses to “Gaijin hijinks”

  1. jaredinnakano 20 November 2008 at 8:23 am Permalink

    Haha. You think us gaijin gays "retain our self-respect"? You got me laughing with the reverse stereotype of gays as non-sexual and overly self-respectful. The fun house of difference, distance and projections knows no boundaries of sexuality.

  2. Locohama 20 November 2008 at 8:34 am Permalink

    Hey Jared, Now you know us hetero bros ain't got no damn sense (-: And stereotyping apparently knows no borders…thanks for the hip check (-;

    Loco

  3. billywest 20 November 2008 at 8:56 am Permalink

    It doesn't matter who you are, only a fool fails to take advantage of his advantageous situation, especially a situation that will surely change over time.

    Have enjoyed reading your blog so far…

  4. ItAintEazy 20 November 2008 at 9:07 am Permalink

    With so many women willing to put out, I'm amazed the birthrate is so low

  5. Locohama 20 November 2008 at 9:50 am Permalink

    Yeah, I don't get it, either. I mean, about the birth rate (-;

    Loco

  6. Locohama 20 November 2008 at 9:53 am Permalink

    You said it, Billy… Pop it while it's hot! Might cool off at any time.
    and thanks for the shout! (-:

    Loco

  7. neogeisha 21 November 2008 at 8:11 am Permalink

    hey, loco, as a fellow brooklyn native, and just as a reader, wanted to thank you for this blog. you have given me some intense laughs on dark mornings.

  8. Locohama 21 November 2008 at 9:38 am Permalink

    Hey Neogeisha, thanks for the shout. I'm thrilled to hear I help you get through dark morns. here's hoping you don"t have too many of them, unless that's what floats your boat. (-:
    Brooklyn, eh? cool!
    btw, I Love Lord Buddha too (great first chapter!) (-: http://www.neogeisha.org/

    Loco

  9. josh 21 November 2008 at 9:45 am Permalink

    "I was never asked was I an Investment Banker or any kind of businessman. Always sports or entertainment…or worse: military."

    really, military? it's a bad thing now to be associated with the military in japan. granted, there are always the douchebags who parade themselves in shinjuku and yokohama on the weekends, not all us military folk are blemishes on your gaijin society.

    btw, my wife and i used to frequent HUB in yokohama as well as the now defunct GAS PANIC when we were dating. good times.

    i do enjoy the posts i've read so far. adding you to my reader.

    josh

  10. Locohama 21 November 2008 at 10:01 am Permalink

    Hey Josh, thanks for the shout and the add. No disrespect intended. i used to be in Uncle Sam's force for good around the world too. Might still be listed as AWOL…I better check on that (-:

    Loco

  11. ChibaLUNA 22 November 2008 at 12:18 am Permalink

    Ah, the hopeless guys with Japanese chicks on their arms.
    Us east Chiba girls call them LBHs (Loser Back Home).

  12. Locohama 22 November 2008 at 12:21 am Permalink

    LOL, thanks East Chiba girl..that's one to grow on

    Loco

  13. Henroa 22 November 2008 at 4:55 am Permalink

    Hey, I'm new here. I really enjoyed that ad. I've been to Japan before, and you're kinda right, especially if you're military. I'm a Marine, and trust me, they get hot and horny just by hearing "military" (No offense to Japanese females. And don't worry Lochama, just stay on your toes and you'll be fine.

    -Henroa

  14. Don Dalton 22 November 2008 at 4:58 am Permalink

    i prefer the fugu than the iku… skeet skeet

  15. Locohama 22 November 2008 at 5:50 am Permalink

    Thanks for the shout Henroa and I'm on them (-:
    Thanks for the feedback Don who likes the deadly fish? Ki wo tsukete ne

    loco

    • LostXcausE 4 May 2009 at 7:07 pm Permalink

      I'm 16 going on 17 this year. I've only recently heard about Charisma-man. I have a few friends who are already turning into that. It's pretty sad. I'm glad I'm not like that. Anyhow, when people ask me " do you like japanese girls?" I think for a second. I've only recently found out the answer: only a little, though nationallity and ethnicity don't really matter to me. I've found myself attracted to Filipinas, Caucasian girls, Asian girls…the list goes on and on. I'm an african american male btw. Honestly though, I find everything about Nihon interesting. The food, the people, the language, the atmosphere……al of it.My life in the states is boring. I am learning nihongo and hope to become a translator and eventually go to Nihon. I'm not seeking a nihonjin gf but, if it happens, I'm acting myself all the way. I won't go and get a big head or anything. That said, I have my friend to worry about. He is Charisma-man in training. Straight up, he is ugly as dirt and one of his goals in life is to impregnate and marry a Japanese chick. He is typially what most would call a loser. I just hope he stops all this and comes to his senses…….bakayarou…..

      • Locohama 7 May 2009 at 5:30 pm Permalink

        Ugly is subjective. Ironically some Japanese girls just want to get knocked up by a foreigner so their baby will have blue eyes are dark skin are be different from the typical J-baby in some way so tell your friend he is coming to the right place. Japan welcomes charisma men with open arms and legs. tell him I said tanoshinde kudasai and get some for me.

        As for you LostXcause, ganbatte! Sounds like you got a fairly solid plan. Don't feel sorry for charsima men. Once you're here you'll see what I mean. You have to change or at least slightly alter your way of judging the world and judging people or you'll be constantly in 'moral' crisis here.

        Loco

  16. nicole 3 December 2008 at 11:04 pm Permalink

    I'm reading through your blog and your writing fascinates me. However, my heart sinks a little every time I read of your sexual exploits – my boyfriend of six years went to Kyoto for a few weeks to study and dropped me within 10 days of being there, having already found a Japanese girl. It was like he became someone else entirely, which would have been okay had he not left a trail of devastation in the wake of his reinvention as charisma man. I will never let my man go to a foreign country (MUCH LESS JAPAN) again – I'd rather break up first. =(
    What's the status on female foreigners in Japan? I feel like all of the gaijin blogs I read are men with Japanese gals. Is there any hope for us American ladies?

  17. Locohama 4 December 2008 at 3:35 am Permalink

    Hey Nicole!
    Damn, once that Charisma Man personan takes over you just gotta wait for him to come to his senses. Maybe next week, maybe next lifetime…sorry it hit you where it hurts. But you might be a little relieved to know that charisma Mans nemesis in the comic strip is western women. They can see the loser through his persona (not to suggest your ex is a loser) Foreign women that I've met here usually have one foot out the door soon after they get a taste of this place, or they're milking salarymen in Roppongi, where the real money is, shaking their moneymakers. Oh, and I know one Hip Hop fashion magazine model.
    Thanks for the shout (-:

    Loco

  18. LostXcausE 7 May 2009 at 9:26 pm Permalink

    lol. I'll tell him. I guess you're right about that. I'll have to take your word for it. Arigatou gozaimasu.

  19. Mio 20 June 2009 at 3:53 am Permalink

    hahahha LOVE your piece of writing!!
    Japan is indeed mecca to all the gaijin – including the U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi – guys from the west side of the world when it comes to meeting your 'needs'.
    For gaijin women it's a different story. I've been traumatized by business men wanting to be my papa, work as a hosto, and touching my bum in the densha. Not only that, as a haafu, ugly gaijins tend to think they have me in their pockets after a pickup or two as well.
    Damnit I should have been a guy.

    • Locohama 20 June 2009 at 9:35 am Permalink

      Me: Ummmmm…Bum (-:
      Friend: Bum means ass you dolt!
      Me: Doh!
      Seriously, Thanks for the shout Mio. I was just out in the Mecca getting my drink on and getting my needs met so I'm a little giddy
      hehehe

      • CodeRed 19 October 2009 at 8:06 pm Permalink

        I've heard about this sort of things all the time and can't wait to go to Japan to experience them. My girlfriend is from Yokohama and even she is worried I might get too much attention when I do go to Japan.

  20. Locohama 19 October 2009 at 8:14 pm Permalink

    Codered-san, all I can say is be careful what u wish for…All that glitters is not gold. insert cliche here:______________________

    hehehe


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