28 November 2008 ~ 9 Comments

Operation: Feet don’t fail me now…

It has been 10 years since my last rejection letter. I’d written my first and only novel, and once completed, found an agent, went under contract with her, and I was on my way…Zora Neale Hurston, James Baldwin, Micheal Crichton, Tom Clancy…make room for loco on that bookshelf, I’d told myself.

Then, I got my first rejection letter, from HarperCollins Books, forwarded to me with a note from my agent imploring me not to panic. I wondered if I gave off that vibe. Was I a panicker, that guy on an airplane that when the pilot announces that the plane may encounter some heavy turbulence but there’s nothing to be concerned about, everyone in the cabin will look at with a “that means you too!” look on their faces?

I didn’t think so, at the time. I was ok, I’d told her. And I was. How was I to know that it was the first of a dozen to follow? Far as I was concerned I had a reputable agent and a viable product and that meant I was two steps ahead in this publishing game. Little did I know that each kindly worded rejection would chip away at my already fragile confidence until there was nothing left to chip, like when you’re watching a great action movie while enjoying fresh hot buttered popcorn, and an intense action scene begins. You sit there feeling giddy as a child again until you unconsciously reach in the bucket to find there are just popcorn crumbs left. By the time Ballentine, WW Norton, Penguin Putnam, Random House, Simon & Schuster, and St. Martin’s Press (and some Independent publishers) were finished with my ego, I was chipping my molars crunching on un-popped buttery kernels.

It has taken me a solid 10 years to recover (assuming I have) from that debacle. I haven’t submitted a single thing to a publisher in that time. I’ve made excuse after ridiculous excuse to friends who inquired after the whereabouts of the my highly anticipated great American novel. Some had read my manuscript…the one that had been gutted by the big boys…and hailed it as great, suggested it was their loss (meaning the publishers), and recommended I self-publish. I was grateful for their support, but with a mouthful of kernels I told myself-via them-that I need to go back to scratch. Rewrite, Revise, Renew. Yeah…that happened. My novel is triple R’d alright, collecting cyber-dust in a folder on my laptop’s C:drive.

Sometimes I torture myself, and open and read it. I still think it’s good, though perhaps a little dated. Nothing a few minor changes couldn’t fix…change beepers to cellphones, Cd-Roms to memory sticks, Clinton to Bush, good economy to fucked economy, etc…No big deal.

Then came Obama…And that yes we can mantra of his. I adapted it. It moved me the same way it moved millions around the world. His positivity, optimism, confidence and audacity inspired me. I joined his cult of personality. Eventually, I started doing something I hadn’t done in a long time: I wrote. I started a blog…just fucking around mostly, following Obama stories and making quips about them. Then, my nature took over and i started doing it again, right there on my blog. I wrote an essay about a song Obama used at the Democratic Convention called “Ain’t no stopping us now”

Then I wrote another essay about Xenophobia called Xenophobes for McCain. Then, I wrote another essay, and another…and I could feel the old juices starting to flow. People were leaving comments, and sending emails saying they’d missed me.  I could feel the doubts I’d been nursing for years draining from me like pus from a cyst. That’s when I started this second blog about Japan. I figured it was time to tackle my experience here.

But, in all my excitement and enthusiasm about the return of the talent i thought I had at best lost and at worst had only been in my head all along, I may have jumped the gun a bit. I went ahead and pitched an idea to a magazine in Tokyo. A rather prominent English language one. I’m sure all of you living in Tokyo are familiar with it but I won’t drop the name. Anyway, the editor liked my pitch and, on spec, commissioned me to write the article. I did. I submitted it. He rejected it. Said (among other things) it was “Rudderless.”

But, then, I re-read my submission with his critique in mind. And, you know what? He was right on. I’d never had my writing called rudderless before. But, as i thought back to those letters I’d received from those publishers back before I’d run away from my failure all the way to Asia (I realize suddenly) the wording they’d used was along those lines. I pack so much into my writing that it kind of winds up being ineffective. Sure, it’s entertaining occasionally, intriguing, and possibly even engaging at times. But, instead of hitting my target with laser-guided proficiency, sometimes my writing is like one of those smooth-bore shotguns that spray bullets helter-skelter.

And, that’s fine for blogging, but, needless to say, that just isn’t what magazines are looking for usually. You can get away with anything once you’re established. I’ve read articles and magazines where the writer was all over the place but i still enjoyed the article immensely and came away feeling it was well worth the hour I’d given to it.

I think sometimes I get caught up in myself. I love to hear myself pontificate. Maybe I would have been a great preacher. But, hell, even sermons need rudders.

So, I took a pause for the cause. I stopped blogging (granted it’s only been 2 days but I feel like I’ve been writing continuously for 3 months.) The cause being I had to contemplate the ridiculous again, just for old time sakes. I questioned my ability, my talent. I asked myself those old haunting, taunting, disabling questions: Who the hell do you think you are? Do you really think people give a shit what you think? Enough to pay to read it? And I laughed. Then i stopped laughing. And I started writing again because, you know what? I’m a fucking writer!

So, I’ve decided to work on the rudder. All entries from now on will be rudder-driven. If you read a rudder-free, scatter shot post on my blog I want you (the reader) to give me an earful. Pimp-slap me with your comments.

Cuz, this time, I’m in it for the long run! Boom or bust! Feet don’t fail me now!

Lo (yes I can) co

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9 Responses to “Operation: Feet don’t fail me now…”

  1. Locohama 28 November 2008 at 11:46 pm Permalink

    Hey Reason2, you’re welcome. Thanks for checking in. Btw i have read your latest and I likes (-:
    I’ll drop a comment in a bit.

    Loco

  2. TLR 29 November 2008 at 5:38 pm Permalink

    YES YOU CAN! As a former Marine my favorite college Prof was a retired marine corps Col and although I had no reason to return to that daily grind when I graduated college He gave the following quote from Calvin Coolidge to me in a letter:

    "Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race."

    That quote has served me well and I hope it does you too! Plus a good bitch slap now and then does not hurt and I will be happy to do that when you become rudderless. Laser perfection my friend nothing less!

    aloha,

    TLR

  3. Amy 29 November 2008 at 7:11 pm Permalink

    Woo!! I'm trying to reestablish my own rudder after a beating in my applications to medical school. Ran away for 2 years and now here I am trying to figure things out again. Getting back on the horse is the hard part.

  4. Locohama 29 November 2008 at 7:37 pm Permalink

    GREAT QUOTE TLR Thanks a mill! That Calvin was pretty Cool! I'm putting that on my desktop (-:
    Hey Amy, thanks for the shout! Yeah, that rudder thing really sent for a spin, but yep getting back on the horse is tough, but I think I've mounted. Glad to hear you are too. (-:

    Loco

  5. Zen 30 November 2008 at 11:05 am Permalink

    eye balls don't fail me now!

  6. ItAintEazy 30 November 2008 at 7:06 pm Permalink

    All right, I admit a lot of times your blog posts lacked direction and meanders a bit, but to give that kind of criticism to a personal blog would have made me a gaping, tumescent asshole of the worst kind. It's stupid that publishers seem to have a need to formalize writing styles, even if people don't mind or even prefer stream-of-thought narratives, but since you gave me the license, it looks like I gonna have to smack a gaijin once in a while.

  7. Locohama 1 December 2008 at 1:55 am Permalink

    LMAO! Thanks yo! I needed that! Is it hard these days for a pimp?

    Loco

  8. Locohama 1 December 2008 at 8:33 pm Permalink

    Zen! Sorry, missed your comment. funny! I feel like my eyeballs are starting to fail I look at this screen so much. Might need some reading glasses )-:
    thanks again for the shout!

    Loco


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