06 February 2010 ~ 10 Comments

Can you be more Japanese?

Woman walks by a shop window and stops to check herself in her reflection. Amid a few adjustments she notices something in her peripherals. Something startling. She turns her head fully and takes it in. She’s aghast! She turns away quickly and begins to walk faster than before. She glances over her shoulder every 4 or 5 steps, suspicion in her eyes. She turns into a drug store glancing back to see if she’s been followed. To her relief…

Loco: CUT! What the fuck, A.D.???

Assistant Director (A.D.): Sorry Boss…I don’t know what…

Loco: You don’t know shit today, do you? Fuck do I need you for….

A.D. : Listen, there’s no need for…

Loco: Shut the fuck up fo’ I fire your ass…you told me she could do this!

A.D.: She can. I’ve seen her…

Loco: Didn’t I tell you to shut up? (Loco turns as the same actress approaches him and A.D.) Tomomi, darling, what’s wrong?

Tomomi: I guess I don’t understand what you want…

Loco: I don’t…listen, Love, I can’t tell you exactly how to react. You’re the actress. Act! Or, I don’t know, be yourself…Imagine, hell, try to remember how it felt back in the days, before you got that L.A. accent. Channel those feelings, love, the way you felt in the real situation…

Tomomi: But…

Loco: You think you can do that?

Tomomi: I think so…

Loco: Glad to hear it! , let’s give it another shot, ne. Alright everybody we’re losing light so let’s get it right, I gotta K-1 fight to catch tonight. A.D.!

A.D.: OK everyone, Take your positions, know your marks…Cue extras! Cue stunts! LOCO IN YOKOHAMA The Movie, Scene 20, Take 8…

Loco: Film, speed, action!

Loco, 6’0, brown-skinned, dressed conservatively in a Yankee baseball cap, a grey pullover California Berkeley University hoodie, blue jeans, and Timberlands, is walking along an unbusy shopping street, reading a text message oin his cellphone.  A woman walking a few yards ahead of him suddenly stops and looks at her reflection in a window. She spots Loco in her peripherals. She turns to get a good look at him with shock and fear on her face. Then, from her perspective, we see “another” Loco: this one darker, even darker than Wesley Snipes, humongous as Bob Sapp, dressed in dark clothes, hood on his head, and a pipe in his hand. The woman suddenly turns and walks away at a faster pace, her stiletto heels tap-tapping against the sidewalk at a rapid pace seem to be saying Help me in morse code. Every 5 or 6 steps she looks over her shoulder to see the “other” Loco. Then we see the real Loco realizing what’s going on and slowing his pace to ease her tension as she makes her escape. She looks again and sees the “other” Loco with the pipe held high, gaining on her. She bolts into a Drug Store, checking to see if she’s been followed. The “other” Loco passes by the Drug Store entrance at a slow trot.

Loco: CUT! CUT! CUT!!!!! Tomomi, darling, how should I put this? I need you to be  more…more…A.D.! More what?

A.D.: More Japanese! He needs you to be more Japanese.

Loco: Yeah, that’s it! More Japanese! Can you be more Japanese?

Tomomi: More Japanese???

Loco: Or maybe you spent too much time in L.A. and forgot what it’s like to be really xenophobic…

Tomomi: I’m doing my best Mr. Loco. I just… (Starts weeping)

Loco (turns and pulls A.D. to the side): I don’t need this, A.D. ! Not now, not ever! I can’t tell you where to put your dick. That’s your business. But your girlfriend’s fucking up my movie. That makes it my business!

A.D.: Sorry Boss!

Loco: You gonna handle this or you want me to handle it?

A.D.: I don’t know what to say…I mean…

Loco: Fuck me! Ok, you lucky fuck! I wish you wasn’t the most competent person on this set. Cuz I’d fire your pathetic ass right now! (Walks back over to Tomomi) Err, Tomomi, take a walk with me…and please stop crying…

Tomomi: I’m sorry Mr. Loco…I just try so hard and…

Loco: Listen, Tomomi-chan…you grew up here in Yokohama, didn’t you?

Tomomi: Yes (sniffling) In Higashi Kanagawa…

Loco: And when did you come to L.A.?

Tomomi: When I was 18, after high school, for University…

Loco: And when did you get your SAG card?

Tomomi: 2 years after that…

Loco: Commercial work, right?

Tomomi: Yes.

Loco: A little stage work, too?

Tomomi: Yes, I was in an Off-Broadway production of “CATS” and…

Loco: Have you done any porn yet?

Tomomi: What? (Sniffles abruptly stop, replaced by silent indignation and shock) Of course not…

Loco: Well, listen, Darling. Your boyfriend over there, my A.D., he told me you could do this, and you told me you could do this, so I just want you to do what you promised me you’d do…

Tomomi: I…I don’t understand

Loco: You don’t understand. Ok. If we don’t get this take, and I mean right fucking now, I promise you the only work you’ll ever get will be with TT Boy and his friends doing Bukkake all over your pretty fucking face. Do you understand that?

Tomomi: (Shaking in fear at the coldness in Loco’s voice) Y-y-yes Sir, Mr. Loco.

Loco: Are you sure? Cuz I once broke a promise, and now I got one good kidney left to remind me not to do it again. The other one has a bullet hole in it. You got me?

Tomomi: (Terror etched in her face) Yes, Mr. Loco

Loco: That face! That’s the one! Hold on to that feeling! That’s what I want…PLACES  EVERYONE! Let’s shoot this thing and call it a night!

A.D.: Hey Boss, what did you say to her?

Loco: I made up some bullshit, but apparently it was the motivation she needed…so let’s get this thing done!

I woke up laughing my ass off! What a dream!

Probably cuz I watched Hollywood Shuffle the other night…

Loco

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10 Responses to “Can you be more Japanese?”

  1. WH 6 February 2010 at 9:34 pm Permalink

    good blog!

    Took me awhile from when you tagged me, but I’m now officially hooked. Took the night off and I’ve been reading your posts all evening.

  2. Chris B 7 February 2010 at 7:05 am Permalink

    LOL @ the video :)
    I was a little slow on the uptake and thought you had a side gig goin' on ;)

    I can help prep Tomo-chan for the Bukkake scenes ;)

  3. Rawley R 8 February 2010 at 1:19 am Permalink

    “Have you done porn yet?”, that line had me laughing out loud for real. Although it was a dream I could picture the words being said with such sincerity. Good stuff Loco! 100% support from my people and myself here in NY

  4. freedomwv 9 February 2010 at 1:47 am Permalink

    A Japanese person forgetting how to `be` Japanese! That would be epic for sure.

  5. Ryuga 12 February 2010 at 5:09 pm Permalink

    Terror etched in her face? Jeez, dude, even in a dream that sounds bad!

  6. Billy W 21 March 2010 at 10:44 pm Permalink

    Robert Townsend and the Wayans… Love that stuff!

    • Locohama 23 March 2010 at 10:00 pm Permalink

      They were the shit weren't they? thanks Billy! Homie the Clown, etc…


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