10 June 2010 ~ 12 Comments

Conversation 6/10/2013: Chai Enema

Conversation with the toilet at Takashimaya in Yokohama 3 years from now

Toilet:“Welcome to Takashimaya, and thank you for using our Interactive Restroom and Restorative Spa. Our genetic aroma-lyzer has indicated you are an English-speaking American, of African-American descent, from the North Eastern portion of the United States, and that you have been living in Japan for nearly a decade. If this is correct, please say, “yes”

Me: “Yes.”

Toilet:“Ah! Our voice analyzer has identified you as Loco-sama. Welcome back! And thank you for continuing to patronize our store. Though our records indicate that you have never purchased a single item in 10 years of weekly visits, we still look forward to serving you in hopes that you may  make a purchase in the near future.

Me: “Thanks.”

Toilet: Shall we use your usual settings?


Toilet: “While you’re pondering that, and if you have a moment, may I bring to your attention some new services we’ve added since your previous visit  last month?”

Me: “Well….”

Toilet: “Or, if you have an…ahem…urgent need of our services, please…”

Me: “Actually I’d like to have a heat massage of my lower back, legs and feet.”

Toilet: “As you desire. Will that be all? New menu items include our very, very, special Chai Enema, and our Green Tea colonic is all the rave…”

Me:“Ummm, no, I’m gonna pass on the…”

Toilet:“You really enjoyed your enema last time, our records show:

Recording of my voice begins playing: “Ohhhhhh Baaaabyyyyy!”

Me “Yeah, I remember but, uh, well, uh, I’ll think about it.”

Toilet: “As you wish, Loco-sama. Your seat has been disinfected, configured to your body dimensions and warmed to the optimum temperature.  Please have a seat.”

Me: “Thanks…”

Toilet:“Before we begin, as usual, we need you to genetically sign our disclaimer. In summary, This Restroom Spa facility is made available by Takashimaya for enjoyment purposes only, and at your own risk. It does not provide specific medical treatments! By using this device you understand that Takashimaya can not be held liable for any injury resulting from it’s use…etc etc etc. You know the rest.  Do you understand and agree to follow these rules and restrictions? Please say “yes” or “no” now.

Me: “Yes.”

Toilet:“Wonderful…well, Loco-sama, shall we begin?”

Me: I’m ready!

15 minutes later…

Me:Ohhhhhh Baaaabyyyy!!!


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12 Responses to “Conversation 6/10/2013: Chai Enema”

  1. Thomas Gantz 11 June 2010 at 1:30 am Permalink

    Lol. The funny thing is that I can see that happening in a few years

  2. Enrico 11 June 2010 at 2:32 am Permalink

    ^^ Really fun

  3. reesan 11 June 2010 at 2:16 pm Permalink

    or how about a royal milk tea rectal massage? 🙂

    funny stuff loco!

    • Locohama 11 June 2010 at 5:45 pm Permalink

      @reesan Ohhhh Baaaaby! thanks

  4. Bored in Kanagawa 11 June 2010 at 9:04 pm Permalink

    How about a natto intestinal scrub!

    • Locohama 13 June 2010 at 1:17 am Permalink

      Hey Bored! I'd probably pass on the natto…last thing i need is an add'l odor LOL thanks for the shout

  5. Zach 12 June 2010 at 11:16 pm Permalink

    I don't think I'll ever wrap my head around the discordant array of options for going to the john in Japan. Some places you get the Buck Rodgers-san Banzai Bowl 2000 and then others places you get… hole in the ground. The cognitive dissonance this causes me, at a time of such urgent personnel need, can't be fully put into words.

    • Locohama 13 June 2010 at 1:06 am Permalink

      Zach-san, thanks for the shout! Yeah, discordance is putting it gently (-: But i do love the super toilets and this was just my way of paying a bit of homage to them (-:

  6. Caroline Josephine 15 July 2011 at 1:25 am Permalink

    I just mastered that damn squat toilet and now I have THIS to look forward to? uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

    • Locohama 15 July 2011 at 3:46 pm Permalink

      LOL!! Why would you master the squat??? you’re out in Saitama? I don’t remember those things being everywhere when I was out there. lol And once was enough for me. I wasn’t. mastering shit without a necessity LOL Thanks for the shout CJ

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