Conversation with the toilet at Takashimaya in Yokohama 3 years from now
Toilet:“Welcome to Takashimaya, and thank you for using our Interactive Restroom and Restorative Spa. Our genetic aroma-lyzer has indicated you are an English-speaking American, of African-American descent, from the North Eastern portion of the United States, and that you have been living in Japan for nearly a decade. If this is correct, please say, “yes”
Toilet:“Ah! Our voice analyzer has identified you as Loco-sama. Welcome back! And thank you for continuing to patronize our store. Though our records indicate that you have never purchased a single item in 10 years of weekly visits, we still look forward to serving you in hopes that you may make a purchase in the near future.
Toilet: Shall we use your usual settings?
Toilet: “While you’re pondering that, and if you have a moment, may I bring to your attention some new services we’ve added since your previous visit last month?”
Toilet: “Or, if you have an…ahem…urgent need of our services, please…”
Me: “Actually I’d like to have a heat massage of my lower back, legs and feet.”
Toilet: “As you desire. Will that be all? New menu items include our very, very, special Chai Enema, and our Green Tea colonic is all the rave…”
Me:“Ummm, no, I’m gonna pass on the…”
Toilet:“You really enjoyed your enema last time, our records show:
Recording of my voice begins playing: “Ohhhhhh Baaaabyyyyy!”
Me “Yeah, I remember but, uh, well, uh, I’ll think about it.”
Toilet: “As you wish, Loco-sama. Your seat has been disinfected, configured to your body dimensions and warmed to the optimum temperature. Please have a seat.”
Toilet:“Before we begin, as usual, we need you to genetically sign our disclaimer. In summary, This Restroom Spa facility is made available by Takashimaya for enjoyment purposes only, and at your own risk. It does not provide specific medical treatments! By using this device you understand that Takashimaya can not be held liable for any injury resulting from it’s use…etc etc etc. You know the rest. Do you understand and agree to follow these rules and restrictions? Please say “yes” or “no” now.
Toilet:“Wonderful…well, Loco-sama, shall we begin?”
Me: I’m ready!
15 minutes later…