I know, I know, I know…but you guys know how I LOVE Spider-Man, so cut me some slack.
So, I go to Shinjuku to get my bi-weekly shave and a haircut (2 bits) and guess who I see doing a pole dance in Shinjuku? That’s right, none other than my childhood hero and role model, the webbed wonder, the spectacular, J.Jonah Jameson’s favorite scapegoat, Mary Jane Watson’s favorite hunk, Marvel Comics Finest, and New York’s very own friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!
“Spidey!” I hollered. “What the hell are you doing pole-dancing in Tokyo???”
He leapt from that pole like Jennifer Peale couldn’t have done in her wildest wet dreams, somersaulting into web-firing position…aiming at me!
“Hey Spidey!!! What the fuck is your problem???It’s your boy, Loco, from NYC, mofo!”
He just looked at me, for a long hot sec, like I was the Green Goblin or Venom or somebody. His behavior made me wonder if maybe some Japanese Cirque du soleil performer had “borrowed” one of his costumes. The real Spider Man would never give a fellow New Yorker the web-finger! Unless they had it coming of course, like J.Jonah Jameson.
“Sorry, Loco” he said, putting the finger away, and I exhaled. “Didn’t recognize you, buddy. Long time no see! How’s it hanging?”
“Can’t complain…” I said, still dumbfounded to find the greatest hero in NY history fucking a pole in Tokyo. “So, what’s the deal?”
“NY just ain’t what it used to be, you know? Fucking boring, to tell you the truth. I just needed a change. So, I’m looking for some new haunts. I heard crime was on the rise in Tokyo so I came over to scout it out for myself.”
“Unless you’re keen on running down bicycle thieves, umbrella “borrowers” or booty bandit perverts on the subways, you’re in the wrong country, my man.”
“One sec, Loco…gotta do a little PR pose for these guys!”
I watched him, shaking my head in disgust.
“Sorry about that Loco,”” he said, once he resumed standing. “But, gotta win the public over!”
“This is disgraceful, Man!”
“Tell me about it,” he said. “This is my fucking life!”
“But, you’re a hero…I mean, true blue, saved the city, hell, saved the world a couple of times!”
“I know, I know…but people only remember your last deed, you know!”
“I hear you,” I sighed. “But…”
“Sorry, Loco, one sec!”
And he bent down and posed for a pic for some school girls. I couldn’t take it anymore. I would have pimp slapped him but he could twist me into bookends and hang me from a lamppost by my underwear with as much effort as it takes me to fart, so I didn’t.
“Well Spidey, it’s been real,” I said in parting. “I hope you can get situated soon.”
“Thanks Loco,” he said distractedly. He was still waving goodbye to the girls…playboy. He ain’t gonna never leave Japan.
“If you could pull your eyes away from that eye candy for a sec, how about a pic?”
“Oh..oh yeah no problem, Loco,” he said.
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