06 October 2011 ~ 6 Comments

On the Orgasmic Thrill of Speaking Japanese

After I had been studying Japanese (Nihongo) for over a year and still couldn’t hear it if my life depended on it, as you might imagine, I started to get a bit discouraged. I worried that maybe my brain had gotten too old to take on the challenges of learning a new language. They say a child’s brain is like a sponge. I imagined my brain was more like a used Brillo Pad, all that pink soap used up, and all that remained were some rusting tatters of metal mesh with last night’s lasagna all trapped in the shreds.

Then, some time later- much, much later- it just happened, quite unexpectedly, for I was no longer stressing about it happening. I’d already conceded. I was convinced my brain could no longer perform the feats it once did, that I’d deep-fried so many brain cells over the course of my 35+ years that fluency in a new language, especially one as utterly different from my mother tongue as Japanese is, was impossible.

I was at work. I’d come in at 8:35am, a little late, which is fairly unusual. The Japanese are nothing if not punctual and I’d learned the hard way that when in Rome you had better make like the Romans…even if the reason you are rushing to work every morning is to attend a daily meeting you’ll likely emerge from having understood little to nil of what was said. Every morning this staff meeting takes place, 8:30 sharp. Sometimes the principal of the school says a few words, sometimes he doesn’t. I hadn’t really been listening for a while anyway…I used to strain my brain to the limits to catch what he was saying but a word or two per sentence was the best I could manage…hardly enough to claim comprehension.

But, this day, I came in whispering Ohayou Gozaimasu and Gomen Nasai…no excuses, just apologize is the Japanese way. The principal hadn’t even paused from his speech. He was talking about how one of the students, a third year student (all of 15 years old), had run away from home and how her parents were very worried about her and how if she should come to the school to be some kind of way- probably careful- around her because she’s been known to get some kind of way- probably violent-with teachers; even last week she’d done something to a teacher- I think struck or verbally assaulted- a teacher. And, unlike everyone else, I took a peek over at the teacher that had had the altercation, and she was nodding her concurrence with everything the principal had said…

And that’s when I realized, with the suddenness of a crack of lightning, that I had surpassed some threshold of competency. Like a 4th grader listening to a Barack Obama speech, I had been able to follow most of what had been said…stumped only by a handful of vocabulary words. After the meeting, I was useless for the rest of the day. All I wanted to do was speak and be spoken to in Japanese, which is not such a good thing for an English teacher (-:

That feeling…that surge of competency, that orgasmic thrill of having accomplished something that you’ve been told by everyone is very difficult, that you’ve even told yourself was not possible, is one of the greatest feelings that a person of a certain age, and a certain disposition, can have. Imagine Micheal Jordan dusting off his Air Jordans and coming out of retirement today, once again, for a one-on-one with Lebron James, trying to put them, now, old school moves on LeBron…the same ones Lebron was weened on, devoured and mastered by Junior High School. It would probably get pretty ugly. Well, my efforts at learning and speaking Nihongo were pretty ugly too initially (Not that I’m the Micheal Jordan of language arts. Hell, I barely know English good) (-:

I mentioned in 10 ways NOT to go loco in Yokohama #3: Learn That Japanese that my motivation for studying Japanese had gone through several phrases. Allow me to expand upon that a little.

First I wanted to impress people back home. I know…silly, right? But, I did. Where I grew up you could count the people who could speak Japanese, that weren’t Japanese, on one hand, maybe even one finger. Sure, since the bubble burst over a decade ago Japanese ability in America had become about as useful as a Doberman with dentures, but I imagined it would give me a certain je ne sais quoi. The way I’d imagined French would which is why I had studied it for from JHS through University. But, as far as French is concerned, Je ne comprend pas was the only useful French I ended up retaining (-:

So, on my first trip home from Japan after a year of intense study, I was determined to put my newly acquired language skills to practical use and show-off a little in the process. I re-connected with my long-time friend with exceptional benefits to see what she was up to.

“Hey, you back from Japan? Let’s hang out!”

“Ii yo! I mean, sounds good!”

“Oooh, you speak Japanese now. That’s cool!” She’d said. I faux-blushed. “I’m hungry. Let’s go get something to eat!”

I saw an opening and made my play. “Have you ever had sushi?” A sushi bar was one of the two places I could think of where my Japanese ability might find the light of day without seeming like an overt effort to impress.

She looked at me cross-eyed. “Ain’t you had enough that shit yet? Stop playing and take me to Dallas BBQs! Fucking sushi…you funny!”

Okay, so that didn’t work out so well…

So the next night I wound up going to my favorite sushi shop alone, over in Park Slope. I rarely eat-in there. I usually go through and pick-up my order to go. The owner had gotten to know my face and even what I liked to order. But, it had been over a year since he’d seen me, and only at the window, not at a table, so the warmth I’d been accustomed to wasn’t forthcoming. One of his staff, a cute Asian, approached me, pen & pad in hand.

“May I take your order please?”

“Yeah…I mean, hai.” I said and smiled. She didn’t. I started pointing at my favorites on the menu…”Kore to kore to eeeeto, kore wo kudasai.” This and this and this please. She looked at me like I was a patient that had escaped from the local asylum.

“Can you speak English?” she asked. Not like she hadn’t understood me but like she wasn’t about to respond to me like I was Japanese.

“Nihon-go dekinai no?” Can’t you speak Japanese? I asked in response.

“I don’t know Japanese well.”

I thought it was a bit of Japanese humbleness but I let it go and placed my order in English. A little later, while I was eating, I overheard the owner talking to a member of the staff…it was NOT Japanese…nor Cantonese or Mandarin. I was quite familiar with both. He walked past my table and I said hello! He turned, looked at me, squinted a bit like he recognized my face, or ought to, and said,” Yes, sir. Long time no see…”

“Hisashiburi desu yo ne.” It has been a long time hasn’t it.

He stared at me blankly…I was used to this. Even the Japanese in Japan tend to stare at me blankly when I speak Japanese. I think it’s because in their minds foreigner equals English so even if you speak Japanese they are anticipating not being able to understand anything that comes out of your mouth and thus, more often than not, they don’t. So I pressed this issue.

“Genki datta?” Have you been well?

He looked mildly surprised. “You speak Japanese?”

“Chotto ne,” A little, I said modestly, feeling pretty proud of myself.

“I’m Korean, but I can speak a little Japanese,” he said, like it would mean nothing to me that he was not Japanese. But it did. It meant…well, it meant he was a kinda fraud. I mean, his restaurant has a Japanese name, there are Kanji (Chinese)characters all over the menu (Koreans don’t even use Kanji) and he even had a Sake menu.

It also meant that I’d made an ass of myself.

The next stage of my nihongo development was fueled by Nanpa (picking up girls). Not being able to speak Japanese in Japan pretty much relegates you to a rather limited range of girls…not that learning Japanese expands your opportunities significantly, but every little bit counts here.

The English speaking Japanese girls are usually not so desirable, from my experience. They are usually pretty westernized which is a turn off to me. If I wanted a western girl I would have stayed in the west. Which is ironic because many of them learned English so they could meet guys like me. So, when you go to a bar or a club, the girls that gravitate your way or are open to your advances can usually speak at least adequate English. Adequate to the task of making their intentions known and understanding yours, at least.

But, if you set your goals higher, like i did, and go for the girls who don’t know a lick of English, well you had better know your Nihongo. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that, as a foreigner, when it comes to speaking Japanese you fall into two and only two categories: You either can or you can’t. In other words, your Japanese is fluent and you can pera pera (Japanese onomatopoeia for fluency) your ass off. Or, you’re an English speaker. There’s no middle ground to hold…not in a conversation with a Japanese person, anyway.

I’m told they’re this way to avoid causing you any embarrassment. They’ll test your level, a trial by fire where they’ll speak naturally. If you don’t get it they might give you a second chance and repeat it in formal text book nihongo, but still at a level that you would have to have been well versed in the language to understand. If you don’t get it then, well, it’s official: you’re an English speaker! And every conversation you have with that person from then until you prove yourself otherwise will be stilted and awkward, filled with their efforts to convert every friggin’ word they say into something they believe your mind can digest. Basically the English rubbish they all learned in school, or a whole lot of Katakana English and/or Japlish where words you know well are pronounced with such atrocious disregard for their proper pronunciation that you don’t stand a chance of recognizing it.

…So, with Nanpa eliminated as a motivating force for study I moved on to the motivation that has given me the lowest level of gratification. Nevertheless, the hope of doing it effectively someday still springs eternal: Retaliation!

In English, I have a whole arsenal of expletives at my disposal for use in those situations where I need to let some jerk know verbally that they’ve trespassed upon my good nature and crossed some line I’ve drawn that represents the boundary of what is acceptable and what isn’t. It happens from time to time here, to put it mildly. I mean, I’ve moved the line here several times to compensate for Japanese ignorance, but some transgressions I feel are, or should be, universal and thus unforgivable regardless of cultural differences. Like if a parent grabs their child and pulls them away from me shrieking “Abunai” (dangerous). Or if some asshole in an effort to push me without actually coming in contact with me uses his briefcase as a buffer, etc, etc, etc.

The Japanese version of profanity is often formed by simply dropping the politeness, using the informal version of words, and maybe dragging out some of the tones and rolling the “R”s a bit. “Baka yarou” means stupid or fool. “Baaaka Yarrrrrou!” means something akin to “You stupid motherfucker!” “Urusai” means “Noisy.” Uruse!” means “Shut the fuck up!” That “ai” to “e” transition to strengthen the potency of words is used a lot. “Yabai” which means something like dangerous or inconvenient or damn becomes “yabe” which can either mean great or super cool or seriously fucked up depending on the situation! “Osanaide kudasai!” means “please don’t push me.” “Osu na!” means “Push me again motherfucker and I’m liable to break my foot off in your ass!”

There are a shitload of bad words, of course. But, I’ve found they are not nearly as effective as the dropping of politeness! If you use the bad words, the assumption on the part of the listener is that you are a stupid foreigner, incapable of managing the subtleness of the Japanese language and only capable of being as rude as you were back home. But, if you show the listener that you are well aware of polite and formal Japanese as well as colloquial and informal ways of speaking, that you understand that the formality or informality of your words is the key to truly making insults that will linger, then you can cuss effectively here.

Even something as simple as the way you say “you” can be more potent than saying fuck. “Anata” is the formal way of saying you. More commonly the person’s actual name is used. which westerners will probably find extremely weird and it took me quite a while to start doing. “Ohashi san wa genki desuka?” “Genki desu, okage sama de.” “Is Ms. Ohashi feeling Well ?” Yes, I am, thanks to you and the powers that be!” But, if you substitute “Omae” which also means you, usually reserved for friends, then it’s a spat in the face to a stranger, totally disrespectful. Yep, profanity can be just that simple in japan. The downside is if you are unaware of such things, and most foreigners are, then there’s a potential of your being profane every time you open your mouth and Japanese are being tolerant because of your ignorance. Like Eddie Murphy said about foreigners in America, that only learn how to curse:

But, like I said, this is the least gratifying. I rarely use it. I don’t even cuss people out in NY that often unless they’re friends or family.

But, the ultimate motivation and feeling of satisfaction comes from using Japanese to accomplish everyday task I had no dream of accomplishing previously. From giving directions to a taxi driver, to ordering a pizza on the phone, to joining a health club, to conversing with my co-workers about something other than the weather: The hits just keep coming and they’re music to my ears! For all you uni-lingual people out there…bilingualism is a friggin’ high that keeps on keeping on (so far anyway) I remember when i was a kid and most of my friends were bi-lingual. I was so friggin’ envious of them. Mostly Spanish, but there was also French and Jamaican Patois, and that Trini language, and other kinds of unintelligible broken English. I even envied them.

Now, I’m practically one of them. (-:


PS: this is a re-post

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6 Responses to “On the Orgasmic Thrill of Speaking Japanese”

  1. Tiffany 6 October 2011 at 8:07 am Permalink

    くたばれ, Loco! XD Sorry that Eddie Murphy clip was great. haha Was that even the right Japanese word for ‘FU’? lolol

    This reminds me of that movie “The 13th Warrior” with Antonio Banderas. After spending quite some time with those people he was finally starting to understand their language, but at least you didn’t have to drink out of the same cup they spat back in, Loco… or did you? XD

    (/ ̄ー ̄)/‥∵:*:☆*゜★。::*☆オメデトォー!! Seriously congrats. That is definitely awesome and worthy to be proud of.

  2. Locohama 6 October 2011 at 9:41 am Permalink

    Thanks Tiffany!!
    Yeah, Eddie was and is a genius! No, I’ve not not do I plan to swap spit with anyone not of my choosing lol.

  3. Biggie 6 October 2011 at 11:33 am Permalink

    interesting that you should mention this. I just wrote about my own views on bilingualism the other day, which I find both an asset and a curse at the same time.

  4. Momotaro 6 October 2011 at 12:11 pm Permalink

    Nice re-posting, I haven’t read this one before.

    Sometimes out of the blue I would suddenly start thinking that I shouldn’t be speaking this much Japanese and I would get all mixed up for a minute or so. It was like two parts of my brain were fighting each other. Other times at my previous job my brain would melt down after a few hours of translating and I would start speaking English to my colleagues and Japanese to some guy on a business trip. It was good for a good laugh though.

    If I ever go back one day, I will worry about losing the ability; however I can always enjoy reading Japanese books wherever I go. I remember when I first started I used to take at least an hour to read a small article in the newspaper; but now I can read at about one third of the speed I can read at in English. I feel like a kid trying to get my book tally up for a merit award at school again!

    It’s a great language and I am very happy to be able to use it and enjoy the continuous learning that it offers. I hope I can help others to enjoy it also.

  5. L. Taz Hicks 6 October 2011 at 12:51 pm Permalink

    I went through this very same thing a few years ago. Upon my realization that I could understand Japanese, I couldn’t wait to go back home and try it out at some of the Japanese restaurants around town. Imagine my surprise when I found out that most if not all of those places were run by non-Japanese or Nikkei that spoke little or no Japanese :(.

  6. JQ 5 August 2012 at 7:50 am Permalink

    Hey Loco,

    When in Japan, did you ever hear that joke on Americans,
    “What do you call a person who speaks three languages? Trilingual
    What do you call a person who speaks two languages? Bilingual
    What do you call a person who speaks ONE language? An AMERICAN.”

    😉 An ex boyfriend (who was a Tokyo native) always teased me with that one. lol
    Anyway, I just ran across your site (and book)for the first time this week and really am enjoying your writing. Now I need to get my greedy hands on your book. 🙂 I am sorry this comment comes very late after the initial posting of this article but wanted to express my appreciation for your writing and good humour. ^.^ I find it refreshing.

    I can really relate when you say that overcoming that language barrier of ‘omg i can understand and sort of speak another language now’ is a real HIGH! Haha. It’s the best feeling, and a little relieving when you’re in another country that doesn’t speak much English and there are no other native English speakers around. A lot of time in Japan, I felt like I was stuck talking to myself in English just to keep sane because I couldn’t really fully express myself in Japanese! >.< That is infuriating after a while…so let me assure you, first chance I got to get an English speaker on the JR within earshot,.. I never rattled off more English blabber in a five minute period between train stops!! lol!

    Ganbare, Loco. Keep workin' hard and lovin' life!

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