Woman walks by a shop window and stops to check herself in her reflection. Amid a few adjustments she notices something in her peripherals. Something startling. She turns her head fully and takes it in. She’s aghast! She turns away quickly and begins to walk faster than before. She glances over her shoulder every 4 or 5 steps, a sneaking suspicion in her eyes. She turns into a drug store glancing back to see if she’s been followed. To her relief…
Loco: CUT! CUT! What the fuck, A.D.???
Assistant Director (A.D.): Sorry Boss…I don’t know what…
Loco: You don’t know shit today, do you? Fuck do I need you for–
A.D. : Listen, there’s no need for–
Loco: Shut the fuck up fo’ I fire your ass! You told me she could do this!
A.D.: She can. I’ve seen her…
Loco: Didn’t I tell you to shut up? (Loco turns as the actress approaches him and A.D.) Tomomi, darling, what’s wrong?
Tomomi: I guess I don’t understand what you want–
Loco: I don’t…listen, Tomomi, I can’t tell you exactly how to react. You’re the actress., right? Well, Act! Or, I don’t know, be yourself…Imagine, hell, try to remember how it felt back in the days, before you came to L.A. and acquired that accent. Channel those old feelings, darling. The way you felt in the real situation–
Loco: You think you can do that for me?
Tomomi: I think so–
Loco: Glad to hear it! Ok, let’s give it another shot, ne. (Loco turns to the cast and crew) Alright everybody we’re losing light so let’s get it right, I gotta K-1 fight to catch tonight. A.D.!
A.D.: OK everyone, Take your positions, know your marks…Cue extras! Cue stunts! LOCO IN YOKOHAMA The Movie, Scene 20, Take 8…
Loco: Film, speed…action!
Loco, 6’0, brown-skinned, dressed conservatively in a Yankee baseball cap, a grey pullover California Berkeley University hoodie, blue jeans, and Timberlands, is walking along an unbusy shopping street, reading a text message on his smartphone. A Japanese woman walking a few yards ahead of him suddenly stops and looks at her reflection in a window. She spots Loco peripherally. She turns to get a good look at him with shock and fear on her face.
The woman suddenly turns and walks away at a faster pace, her stiletto heels tap-tapping against the sidewalk at a rapid pace seem to be saying Help me in morse code. Every 4 or 5 steps she looks over her shoulder and sees the “other” seedy Loco.
The real Loco, realizing what’s going on, slows his pace in order to ease her tension as she makes her escape.
She looks again and sees the “other” Loco with the pipe held high, gaining on her! She bolts into a Drug Store, checking to see if she’s been followed. The “other” Loco passes by the Drug Store entrance at a slow trot.
Loco: CUT! CUT! CUT!!!!! Tomomi, sweetheart…how should I put this? I need you to be more…more…A.D.! More what?
A.D.: More Japanese! He needs you to be more Japanese.
Loco: Yeah, that’s it! More Japanese! Can you be more Japanese?
Tomomi: More Japanese???
Loco: Or maybe you spent too much time in LA! Did you forget what it’s like to be xenophobic? I mean, scared shitless of your own imagination!
Tomomi: I’m doing my best Mr. Loco. I just… (Starts weeping)
Loco (turns and pulls A.D. to the side): I don’t need this shit, A.D. ! Not now, not ever! I can’t tell you where to put your dick. That’s your business. But your girlfriend’s fucking up my movie. That makes it my business!
A.D.: Sorry Boss!
Loco: You gonna handle this? Cuz if not…
A.D.: I don’t know what to say to her…I mean–
Loco: Fuck me! Ok, you lucky fuck! I wish you wasn’t the most competent person on this set. Cuz I’d fire your pathetic ass right now! (Walks back over to Tomomi) Err, Tomomi, take a walk with me. And please stop that crying…
Tomomi: I’m sorry Mr. Loco…I just try so hard and–
Loco: Listen, Tomomi-chan…you grew up here in Yokohama, didn’t you?
Tomomi: Yes (sniffling) In Higashi Kanagawa–
Loco: And when did you come to L.A.?
Tomomi: When I was 16, for high school, and University–
Loco: And when did you get your SAG card?
Tomomi: 2 years after that…
Loco: Commercial work, right?
Loco: A little stage work, too?
Tomomi: Yes, I was in an Off-Broadway production of CATS and–
Loco: Have you done any porn yet?
Tomomi: What? (Sniffles abruptly stop, replaced by silent indignation and shock) Of course not–
Loco: Well, listen, Darling. Your boyfriend over there, my A.D., he told me you could do this, and you told me you could do this, so I just want you to do what you promised me you’d do!
Tomomi: I…I don’t understand
Loco: You don’t understand. Ok. If we don’t get this take, and I mean right fucking now, I promise you the only film work you’ll ever get will be with TT Boy and his friends doing Bukkake all over your pretty fucking face. Do you understand that?
Tomomi: (Shaking in fear at the coldness in Loco’s voice) Y-y-yes Sir, Mr. Loco.
Loco: Are you sure? Cuz I once broke a promise, and now I got one good kidney left to remind me not to do that shit again. The other one has a bullet hole in it. You sure you got me?
Tomomi: (Terror etched in her face) H-h-hai!
Loco: That face! That’s the one! Hold on to that feeling! That’s what I want…PLACES EVERYONE! Let’s shoot this thing and call it a night! Ok A.D.
A.D.: Hey Boss, what did you say to my girl? She looks like you stuck a gun in her mouth!
Loco: I just made up some bullshit…and gave her some acting lessons. Now, let’s get this done!
I woke up laughing my ass off! What a dream! Probably cuz I was watching Hollywood Shuffle the other night (-;
Who is this guy, Loco, anyway? Click here!
PS: This is a re-post!
PPS: Wanna chance to win a brand new Kindle Wifi from Loco? I bet you do! Well, just follow the new Twitter acct: Hi_MyNameIsLoco
You can peep the rules for the contest here: How To Leave This World Better Than You Inherited It