21 October 2011 ~ 13 Comments

Did You Forget What It’s Like To Be Xenophobic?

Woman walks by a shop window and stops to check herself in her reflection. Amid a few adjustments she notices something in her peripherals. Something startling. She turns her head fully and takes it in. She’s aghast! She turns away quickly and begins to walk faster than before. She glances over her shoulder every 4 or 5 steps, a sneaking  suspicion in her eyes. She turns into a drug store glancing back to see if she’s been followed. To her relief…

Loco: CUT! CUT! What the fuck, A.D.???

Assistant Director (A.D.): Sorry Boss…I don’t know what…

Loco: You don’t know shit today, do you? Fuck do I need you for–

A.D. : Listen, there’s no need for–

Loco: Shut the fuck up fo’ I fire your ass! You told me she could do this!

A.D.: She can. I’ve seen her…

Loco: Didn’t I tell you to shut up? (Loco turns as the actress approaches him and A.D.) Tomomi, darling, what’s wrong?

Tomomi: I guess I don’t understand what you want–

Loco: I don’t…listen, Tomomi, I can’t tell you exactly how to react. You’re the actress., right? Well, Act! Or, I don’t know, be yourself…Imagine, hell, try to remember how it felt back in the days, before you came to L.A. and acquired that accent. Channel those old feelings, darling. The way you felt in the real situation–

Tomomi: But–

Loco: You think you can do that for me?

Tomomi: I think so–

Loco: Glad to hear it!  Ok, let’s give it another shot, ne. (Loco turns to the cast and crew) Alright everybody we’re losing light so let’s get it right, I gotta K-1 fight to catch tonight. A.D.!

A.D.: OK everyone, Take your positions, know your marks…Cue extras! Cue stunts! LOCO IN YOKOHAMA The Movie, Scene 20, Take 8…

Loco: Film, speed…action!

Loco, 6’0, brown-skinned, dressed conservatively in a Yankee baseball cap, a grey pullover California Berkeley University hoodie, blue jeans, and Timberlands, is walking along an unbusy shopping street, reading a text message on his smartphone. A Japanese woman walking a few yards ahead of him suddenly stops and looks at her reflection in a window. She spots Loco peripherally. She turns to get a good look at him with shock and fear on her face.

Then, from her perspective, we see the “other” Loco (a figment of her imagination): this one darker and humongous, with a dangerous look in his eyes, and has a pipe in his hand!

The woman suddenly turns and walks away at a faster pace, her stiletto heels tap-tapping against the sidewalk at a rapid pace seem to be saying Help me in morse code. Every 4 or 5 steps she looks over her shoulder and sees the “other” seedy Loco.

The real Loco, realizing what’s going on, slows his pace in order to ease her tension as she makes her escape.

She looks again and sees the “other” Loco with the pipe held high, gaining on her! She bolts into a Drug Store, checking to see if she’s been followed. The “other” Loco passes by the Drug Store entrance at a slow trot.

Loco: CUT! CUT! CUT!!!!! Tomomi, sweetheart…how should I put this? I need you to be more…more…A.D.! More what?

A.D.: More Japanese! He needs you to be more Japanese.

Loco: Yeah, that’s it! More Japanese! Can you be more Japanese?

Tomomi: More Japanese???

Loco: Or maybe you spent too much time in LA! Did you forget what it’s like to be xenophobic? I mean, scared shitless of your own imagination!

Tomomi: I’m doing my best Mr. Loco. I just… (Starts weeping)

Loco (turns and pulls A.D. to the side): I don’t need this shit, A.D. ! Not now, not ever! I can’t tell you where to put your dick. That’s your business. But your girlfriend’s fucking up my movie. That makes it my business!

A.D.: Sorry Boss!

Loco: You gonna handle this? Cuz if not…

A.D.: I don’t know what to say to her…I mean–

Loco: Fuck me! Ok, you lucky fuck! I wish you wasn’t the most competent person on this set. Cuz I’d fire your pathetic ass right now! (Walks back over to Tomomi) Err, Tomomi, take a walk with me. And please stop that crying…

Tomomi: I’m sorry Mr. Loco…I just try so hard and–

Loco: Listen, Tomomi-chan…you grew up here in Yokohama, didn’t you?

Tomomi: Yes (sniffling) In Higashi Kanagawa–

Loco: And when did you come to L.A.?

Tomomi: When I was 16, for high school, and University–

Loco: And when did you get your SAG card?

Tomomi: 2 years after that…

Loco: Commercial work, right?

Tomomi: Yes.

Loco: A little stage work, too?

Tomomi: Yes, I was in an Off-Broadway production of CATS and–

Loco: Have you done any porn yet?

Tomomi: What? (Sniffles abruptly stop, replaced by silent indignation and shock) Of course not–

T.T. Boy

Loco: Well, listen, Darling. Your boyfriend over there, my A.D., he told me you could do this, and you told me you could do this, so I just want you to do what you promised me you’d do!

Tomomi: I…I don’t understand

Loco: You don’t understand. Ok. If we don’t get this take, and I mean right fucking now, I promise you the only film work you’ll ever get will be with TT Boy and his friends doing Bukkake all over your pretty fucking face. Do you understand that?

Tomomi: (Shaking in fear at the coldness in Loco’s voice) Y-y-yes Sir, Mr. Loco.

Loco: Are you sure? Cuz I once broke a promise, and now I got one good kidney left to remind me not to do that shit again. The other one has a bullet hole in it. You sure you got me?

Tomomi: (Terror etched in her face) H-h-hai!

Loco: That face! That’s the one! Hold on to that feeling! That’s what I want…PLACES EVERYONE! Let’s shoot this thing and call it a night! Ok A.D.

A.D.: Hey Boss, what did you say to my girl? She looks like you stuck a gun in her mouth!

Loco: I just made up some bullshit…and gave her some acting lessons. Now, let’s get this done!

*****

I woke up laughing my ass off! What a dream! Probably cuz I was watching Hollywood Shuffle the other night (-;

Loco

Who is this guy, Loco, anyway? Click here!

PS: This is a re-post!

PPS: Wanna chance to win a brand new Kindle Wifi from Loco? I bet you do! Well,  just follow the new Twitter acct: Hi_MyNameIsLoco

You can peep the rules for the contest here: How To Leave This World Better Than You Inherited It 

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13 Responses to “Did You Forget What It’s Like To Be Xenophobic?”

  1. J.Dang 21 October 2011 at 11:55 pm Permalink

    That ending was hilarious Loco!

  2. Momotaro 22 October 2011 at 10:17 am Permalink

    Haha Loco, you might get some strange traffic with that bukkake tag.

    Nice story.

    • Locohama 22 October 2011 at 11:01 am Permalink

      I always get strange traffic. Anything about Japan especially chikan stuff and anime draws an interesting crowd. Lol
      Thanks for the shout

  3. Warren Antiola 22 October 2011 at 5:03 pm Permalink

    If this were made into a movie I would pay to watch it! Just hilarious! Think “Rocky” pep talks with a touch of Mr. Bean for good measure. . . Thanks Loco! Just made my night. lol!

    • Locohama 22 October 2011 at 9:46 pm Permalink

      Mr. bean??? LOL Glad you dug it! I wish I could get a film made. Maybe someday. You never know (-;

  4. Theresa 22 October 2011 at 9:06 pm Permalink

    I used to be able to scare Japanese women even though I’m female and pale-faced, but I’m dark-haired and tall — more like a foreign man, I suppose. These days I only scare little kids, nobody else pays any attention, but there used to be a lot of foreigners-are-all-criminals stories on TV, especially those daytime “wide shows.” If I happened to be walking by a house in my neighborhood and the housewife going out sees that I’ve noticed her about to leave, she’d turn around and go back in and lock the door, just in case I called my foreign criminal friends and let them know I’d found a job opportunity for them, apparently. And if after dark I’d be hurrying to catch the next train, if there was a lone Japanese woman ahead of me, chances are she’d look nervously over her shoulder and speed up and sometimes turn down the next street. These sorts of experiences made me want to commit the crimes I was suspected of. I had an urge to to break into houses, to punch young women in the face and steal their designer purses. For the first time I understood the advice that if you don’t want to be a victim of crime you shouldn’t show fear. It’s sort of seductive.

    • Locohama 22 October 2011 at 9:37 pm Permalink

      Wow! Your experiences and your reaction to them sound so familiar I think you hijacked them from my blog LOL! Theresa, I just want you to know- assuming very few other people here get you- I DO! We are eerily close in what we see and how we feel about it. I hope you’ll check out my book once it’s done! I address these and other issues about life in Japan and how challenging it is for essentially well-meaning people to remain that way living in an environment as hostile as the one you just described. How often do those type things occur for you? I’m asking because I didn’t know that women (particular pale faced ones) experienced such things. I don’t think I’ve had a single female comment (except for my girl Orchid) ever go that deep!
      Thank you for sharing…I think this is your first comment here, no?

      • Theresa 23 October 2011 at 8:27 pm Permalink

        No, I’ve commented once before (about your girlfriend Orchid, who I have a feeling is not interested in being my girlfriend).
        These sorts of Scaring The Japanese Peoples things — the empty seats on both sides of me on the train, staff fleeing to the back of the store when I walk into a drugstore — that used to happen all the time fifteen or so years ago, although the last time an older woman in line for a public toilet seeing me come out and refusing to go in after me incident happened three years ago.
        There are so many more foreigners in Japan these days that people don’t freak out like that much anymore. When I go back to my hometown of Seattle I often think: nobody even sees me. I could rob a bank, carjack a dozen cars. They wouldn’t be able to even give a description because they didn’t pay any attention. Most people live in a bubble cloud and don’t see what’s around them. They make terrible witnesses to crimes.
        Also, in Japan I feel really tough. In the States I’m the slowest female swimmer, runner, pretty much weak at everything — a child could beat me up. In Japan, I’m suddenly the strongest female in the room. It’s pretty exciting.

    • Cedric D 23 October 2011 at 5:57 pm Permalink

      Waitaminute…you’re White?????

      • Theresa 23 October 2011 at 9:40 pm Permalink

        Yes, I’m completely white! I don’t know, is it just me? I’m starting to get paranoid. Is it the tallness? I think it’s the tallness. None of the petite foreign women I’ve known have these problems — they’re cute. A tall cannot be cute, whatever color they come in.

        • one little gaijin 27 October 2011 at 9:26 pm Permalink

          No babes! So much shite has happened to me the 10 or so years I have lived here.
          I am a petite paleface female. I’ve been asked if I was”free” on a packed train at lunch time, while dressed in a suit going to my ekaiwa job in Shinjuku. List goes on about people freaking out, standing up and leaving when I sit on the vacant seat next to them. Mothers freaking out because their oldest son is with a ‘Gaijin, and who will look after the family grave”…

  5. Will 22 October 2011 at 10:22 pm Permalink

    Maybe I’m reading a little too much into Loco’s blog. Does New York have a love/hate relationship with Hollywood? I can understand the frustration (sometimes I wonder if Hollywood assumes everyone is just stupid), but is that some love showing through a la the nod to our hard working hero in San Fernando Valley? There’s got to be a punchline in there somewhere…seems like everyone wants to see Hollywood Burn (as long as Studio City is spared). Just a thought.
    Anyway…


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