Five Things I’ve Learned About Myself Living In Japan
This post is a submission to the Blog festival being hosted by Amanda of Whoa I’m In Japan! Click the cute icon on the left to see the announcement and guidelines for entry.
I thought about what to write for her festival’s theme (Important things I’ve learned living abroad) for about all of 10 minutes before an idea jumped into my head and wouldn’t release me. It started as thoughts for a single post and expanded in a matter of moments into an idea for a whole new series!
So, without further ado, here’s part 1 of my new series: Five things I’ve learned about myself as an expat living in Japan!
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Japan is a wonderful country to learn about oneself. It really is! Ask most any foreigner who has lived here for a time and, with varying levels of enthusiasm, they will attest to the same. Living in this country, for better or for worse, will rock your world!
There are a lot of firsts to be experienced, especially for the westerner who sets up shop here. And, as many of those firsts back in your homeland helped mold you you into the person you are today, the firsts you experience here will continue that lifelong process.
I’m sure you remember, for instance, that first unprotected roll in the hay, right? The one that informed you that, while you did believe in the Good Book, and the Higher Power that inspired it, your faith was flexible enough to allow some moral wiggle room when it came to self-gratification…right? Which, in turn, may have lead you to question which of its other doctrines you weren’t prepared to strictly adhere to when they conflicted with your ambitons and desires, am I right? And, of course you recall that resulting first trip to the abortion clinic…Now, tell me that didn’t help solidify your position on the Pro-Choice / Pro-Life debate. If not, I’m certain it at least had an impact.
Yeah, in my experience, firsts can be catalysts for growth and wisdom.
Japan has been the arena for a plethora of firsts for me. Some of them have had subtle ramifications while others have been of a profound nature. Sometimes I wonder if I had known in advance what I would be subject to living here, if I would have still come or punked out and remained in my comfy little hamlet in Brooklyn. I’m thinking the latter.
However, now that I find myself on the far side of these firsts, I can say with confidence: I’m a better, stronger person, with a more comprehensive knowledge of not only who I am and what makes me tick, but of this enigmatic world we live in, for having endured them all!
So, what are these firsts that have had such an effect? Well, they are as follows:
1-My first (and last) trip to Soapland
I used to have a private student- let’s call him Hiroki- who was a really cool guy! Hiroki confessed to me at our first meeting (more like stated matter of factly) that he had chosen me from a number of available teachers in the area because I was black, and he liked Hip-Hop. Lucky for me, I liked Hip-Hop, too. He was a pretty high level English speaker from the get go, so, instead of studying English, on Saturday afternoons we’d sit around Starbucks for an hour talking about Hip-Hop; me schooling him on the old school and he bringing me up to date on the new. Easy Money!
Sometimes our conversations would wander into the area of girls. He fantasized about getting his hands on some big-booty black chick like the ones he saw in the Hip-Hop videos, and I told him I felt the same about the Japanese girls walking past us every couple of seconds, sipping on Frappacinos. Japanese girls are mendokusai (too much trouble) he’d say and I’d tell him you ain’t seen trouble until you’ve crossed one of those big-booty video chicks you’re fantasizing about. ” Just stick to your fantasies, yo!”
Yeah, we hit it off.
One day while I was admiring some of the abundant eye-candy strolling by, he told me that the girls at the Hostess clubs looked much better and were much less trouble. Just pay and have fun and go home.
“Really?” I said, like I hadn’t been hoping he’d take the conversation in that direction one day. I wouldn’t have dared do it myself. Sometimes it’s hard to tell where that line between acceptable and unacceptable is with private students, so I often follow their lead.
“Soaplands are even better! Have you ever been to one?”
“Why, no…what’s that?” I asked, thinking ‘YES! Now we’re cooking with Crisco!
He explained that a Soapland was a sort of sex-free sex shop where customers can have good, clean fun with beautiful Japanese girls…with a guaranteed happy ending within the loopholes in Japanese laws regarding prostitution.
“There’s no intercourse, sorry, but I’ve never left a Soapland disappointed,” he said, grinning broadly, like I needed a little arm-twisting.
I’d seen the Soapland process in several porno movies and it looked intriguing to say the least. And there was little chance of catching anything funky if there was no intercourse taking place, so it sounded great to me. Something to write about one day or one of those quirky Japan stories to tell my friends back home.
We met up the following Friday night and he took me to a spot in Ikebukuro he frequented, where he said the girls were top-notch.
We got to the door and I followed him into the vestibule where a bouncer- earphone in one ear secret service style and a I’m a LOT tougher than I look posture, was standing in there. As we passed the bouncer at the door, the man stopped Hiroki.
At the time, my Japanese was much more limited than it is now (which is why I had never braved one of these places alone and was waiting for a Japanese guy to offer to escort me.) But, I’d been fluent in body language for decades. And, what I heard from the Bouncer’s finger, aimed derogatorily at my face like I was a photograph or across the street, was, “this guy’s with you??”
“Yes, he’s my friend,”Hiroki said, smiling proudly. He had been giddy up til that point, just thrilled to death that he was going to introduce me, his black foreign friend, to one of the aspects of his world that made his world the envy of the world’s men.
Mr. Soap gave me another disapproving look. “I see…”
I was beginning to see, too. But, Hiroki…he’d probably never been stopped at the door before.
“Is there a problem?” he asked the doorman.
“Well, the thing is….you see,” the Bouncer began, with a pantomime mask of deep regret on his face, which failed miserably to melt the ice in his eyes. They were frozen to Hiroki as if I were merely the topic of discussion, not standing before them. “We don’t usually serve foreigners here! None of the girls can speak English and…well, they are really afraid of foreign guys.”
Between his gestures and the few words I could pick out of his explanation (gaikokujin, Eigo, syaberarenai, kowai…) I got the gist.
“I see,” Hiroki nodded. “Well, I’ve already explained all the club rules to him. And he’s a very nice guy. And he can speak Japanese a little. So, there won’t be any problems.”
“Yeah, but, you see, the club has special rules, and…you understand, no?”
Hiroki didn’t get it, actually. But, after three minutes standing in a doorway, I fully comprehended the situation. And started feeling bad for Hiroki. Especially when he turned and gave me a look that would break Hitler’s heart.
“Come on, man, let’s go!” I said, reaching for his arm. “Fuck this place! Let’s go get some brews!”
Hiroki turned once more to Mr. Soap and said, “I’m never coming here again!”
We went to a bar down the street, and ordered some beers. Hiroki was depressed as hell. I kept trying to cheer him up, trying to change the subject from “That fucking place!” which is what he kept repeating. I felt responsible for putting him in that position. If it weren’t for me he’d be on an inflatable mattress with some soaped-up hottie sliding all over him by then.
If it weren’t for me…
And that’s when I realized that, remarkably, for the first time in my life I had been the victim of outright, 
Jim Crow-style racial discrimination, not so much because I was black (actually I’ll never know if my color was a factor) but because I wasn’t Japanese (or Asian.)
And, ironically, instead of feeling a victimized rage in the pit of my stomach, and an irrepressible urge to do harm to someone (which up til that point I imagined would be my reaction whenever this dark day came to be) there I was consoling a friend.
I learned something important about myself that night, thanks in part to this first. Something it would take me some time to process.
You see, I didn’t feel victimized because at that point I had been living in Japan long enough to believe that it was only a matter of time before something like that happened. I mean, it was simple to surmise that in a country where the natives routinely avoid standing, sitting or even walking near you whenever possible, that they just might have a problem “cleaning” you which would require actual physical contact. The irreverence of daily life in Japan had groomed me to look indignity in the face and say, “Fuck these people! let’s go get a brew!” I could just roll with the blows because I was already punch drunk, and one more punch wasn’t going to kill me.
Hiroki however took the blow right in the solar plexus of his pride and national self-image, and it left him reeling center ring. You could have performed the coup de grace with a pillow after that.
The rude awakening he’d suffered for some reason overshadowed whatever humiliation I felt. He knew that his people were “shy” around foreigners, but it’s a good bet he didn’t know that that “shyness” clause in Japan’s contract with humanity had a loophole in it wide enough for blatant discrimination to slip through. Or, maybe he did but hadn’t really considered how those consequences might play out in the real world because he would never be at the business end of them.
But I’m no mind reader and that night Hiroki couldn’t really put into words why he felt the need to repeatedly curse the establishment, but I imagined that considering how he felt about his country, it must have felt like he’d gone to his a Soapland with his Japanese co-workers (as he did often) only to find out- in the worst possible way- that his mother was Mermaid of the Month there.
As for me, in no uncertain terms, this first taught me that I had a very low opinion of the people here.
Dangerously low!
here’s part 2: Teachers teach and do the world good!
Who is this guy, Loco, anyway? Click here!
PPS: Wanna chance to win a brand new Kindle Wifi from Loco? I bet you do! Well, just follow the new Twitter acct: Hi_MyNameIsLoco
You can peep the rules for the contest here: How To Leave This World Better Than You Inherited It
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Raw Like Sushi
Okay now…did you EVER make it to a Soapland? If so, how was the experience? Did you ever experience racism again in Japan? I actually stayed in Ikebukuro when I was in Tokyo. I heard there were ALOT of men’s clubs around there.
Hey Kiratiana! Nah. Lost interest. I did do quite a bit of research about the “industry” and it’s accesibility to foreigners, and there are places that will accept un-japanese people…but mostly these places are controlled by Chinese and Koreans where the only important color is green! The Japanese apparently are the “speamish” ones when it comes to interacting with foreigers for cash lol. There are a lot who will do it for free so I never bothered with the pros anymore. Who nees em? I don’t see much diffeence between how the pro girls look and how the girls I’ve met in clubs and bars look personally, though my Japanese friends seem to see a marked differnece. Far as I’m concerned. I cam just take my girl to a Love Hotel and bring my own soap and assessories and make do!
Did I ever experience racism again??? Oh, you mean blatant jim crow style? No, never. Just the daily variety that is a staple of life here. Yeah, ikebukuro has many places to get your sin on! (-; thanks for the shout!
Not a problem I ever had in Japan
I did get refused entry into a club in Australia because of my gender but apparently sex discrimation is ok at a gay sauna!
Btw it’d really suck to be a black man in Japan if you hated hip hop.
LOL Yeah I bet you haven’t! A gay sauna? oh geez Im not touching that one! It would probably suck anywhere if I hated Hip-Hop! It certainly sucked in NY too. lol thanks Kat!
That student of yours, alias Hiroki, seems so innocent/naive. I’m sitting here like, “really? You grew up in this country and you’re unaware of the discrimination? You’re not aware of the unwritten rules of the secret society of the mind this place has got going on?”
How could a foreigner see the writing on the wall quicker than a Japanese person? I guess I’ve fallen victim to the same racist thinking you’re trying to avoid, because I had just assumed all Japanese people “know what’s up” with the discrimination here, and at worst support it and at best are apathetic.
Hey Amanda…you’re touching on something I will cover in this series…one of those lessons learned. There’s a level of obliviousness here that’s totally disarming sometimes. It’s like ignorance squared. But, at the same time, it doesn’t always provoke an angry reaction…often it provokes a caretaker response. Which is part of the reason why I think a lot of Japanohiles are quick to defend the people here. It’s almost enviable to live in a world so devoid of the ugliness…even if that world exists only in their collective psyche! It has allowed a “pure” prejudice to flourish that is, for lack of a better word at the moment, KAWAII!! (to some) More to follow. Thanks for the inspiring blog festival theme.
I have to disagree there, I think it is quite easy to simply not notice any racism and / or discrimination that doesn’t affect you, until you are actually confronted with it. For example, I was born and raised in Nashville, Tennessee, a big town but one fairly close to the birthplace of the KKK. Intellectually, I’m know that there was discrimination going on in my town while I was growing up, but I’m a white guy, and I don’t “know” it, didn’t ever feel it, like a black guy growing up there would. It’s one thing reading about it, but completely different hearing or seeing it.
To use a kind of low-level example, I have read lots of stuff about people who had terrible times in high school, and I heard a few people from my class whining about it, but for me, high school was cake. I didn’t bully anyone, no one tried anything on me, and I didn’t see anything. I was genuinely shocked when I heard those people talking about hazing or high school drama, and I’m still not sure I believe them.
I think it would be very easy to live your life in Japan without every realizing there was any racism, beyond the usual feel-good once a year classes they do on human rights day. It is only when someone gets faced with it that it becomes real. In my opinion, anyway.
“He knew that his people were “shy” around foreigners, but it’s a good bet he didn’t know that that “shyness” clause in Japan’s contract with humanity had a loophole in it wide enough for blatant discrimination to slip through.”
So, so, so accurate. Brilliant (and heartbreaking) as always, Loco.
Thanks Rose! Doing my best!
loco, you stole my story man.
that exactly happened to me but instead of soapland it was angel kiss. i even had the same sentiments expressed by my japanese escort I was in cairns a few years back and after dinner one evening we spotted a karaoke joint. we rocked up ready to belt out a few tunes but there was a sign in english on the front door that read “closed for private party”. the sign below it in japanese read “please ignore above sign we are open”. in my own country man!
I read your mind, man! lol. Damn that’s a hell of a thing to see in your own friggin country! I would have kicked in the door waving the 44! LOL
Oh my Gracious! That reminds me of when I was living in Okinawa teaching kite-boarding lessons near Chatan and a Japanese guy about my age (at the time 25) refused to take lessons from me because I was American and couldn’t possible know 1-enough Japanese to teach him properly and 2-know Japanese beaches enough to teach him. As he is telling my boss this my boss was looking right at me knowing I understand every word he is saying and finally just told the guy that 1-he should probably verify that I don’t know enough Japanese to teach him being as I understood every thing he is saying and 2-that because of his attitude he wasn’t going to get lessons from anyone in our shop anyway and then just pointed at the door. I had been living in Okinawa for about 3 years at that point and had never been discriminated against being as Okinawa island has so many American bases on it that it was never really an issue-when that happened I didn’t know whether I was offended or if it was funny. In the end my boss bought me lunch because he felt so bad and just like you I felt bad for him feeling bad. Funny how that works out, huh?
Thanks for the shout Brittany! Your boss sounds like my kind of guy!
First off, discrimination is not very boner-inspiring. I would’ve left the second the bouncer started giving us shit. Secondly, I think your presence in that establishment might exacerbate inferiority complexes among staff and customers thus compromising the whole making money-making operation. Feelings on inadequacy aren’t boner inspiring either. Finally, why pay for shit you can get for free? Fuck’em.
I also think it’s hard to Japanese people to confront discrimination because that would cause them to take actions at the risk of feeling like cowards or racists for just accepting something they know is wrong. It’s not easy to look at one self in the mirror. Thanks for sharing bro.
Well, there are a few things you have to realize:
1. The percentage of foreigners (especially people who actually look different) in Japan is so low that racism has never been a significant issue, so there are no laws against it, and no “right” not to be discriminated against.
2. A lot of shops have had a lot of bad experiences with foreigners, or heard of other shops who have. Turning away less than 1% of your customers in order to potentially save yourself significant trouble is a bargain. Then again, people who have 100% impeccable Japanese (or a Japanese passport) generally can get into anywhere, showing that it’s not so much the skin, but the “foreignness” that makes people want to turn you away.
Examples:
1. Foreigners have caused problems at Hostess Bars by thinking it was ok to touch, grope, and otherwise not understanding the system.
2. Foreigners have caused problems at hot springs by not bathing before getting in, being loud and rude, etc., and scaring other customers away.
3. As for the sex places: Foreign people have gone into a few of them, and the next thing you know, it’s a TV special on the 10pm news in some conservative Christian country. That is the kind of exposure these places don’t want or need.
4. A lot of land-lords who have rented to English instructors working for low-end non-schools like Nova or ECC end up screwed when people trash the place and move back to their own countries.
You might say “That’s not fair”, and in a way it isn’t, but then again, you can’t blame people for wanting to avoid trouble. Particularly #4 – it’s simply a nonissue with Japanese people, and a big issue with foreigners – so if you were the landlord would you deal with it? Just food for thought. Anyway, as with all aspects of life, you can prove yourself and get in where you want if you give it a little effort. Once you have a reputation at any shop or area for knowing what’s going on and following the system, people will go easier on you.
Hi Rob! . thanks for the information…you are clearly a valuable tool for the establishment
Yo, Loco! I was just informed about your blog via BusanKevin’s youtube channel. Excellent thus far. I clicked the link to part 2 of this installment and it has turned up missing. A 404 not found message popped up. Anyways, I’ll check back later, but I feel like I’m cheating myself at this point if I just skipped to part 3! P.S. The point you made over personal growth via living in Japan has really reinvigorated me. I have wanted to live in Japan for some time now, but these types of self realizations are what inspire me to follow through with that. Peace, Scott.
Thanks for checking me out Scott! Good news and bad news regarding part two. Bad news, you won’t be able to read it on Loco in Yokohama but, here’s the good news, it was included, in edited form, in my book (-; See sidebar for link to amazon if you’d like to check it out! I’m glad I inspired you!
Oh well, I’ve never been to a soapland either!
Oh wait, probably that’s because I’m foreign, too! And female! *lol*
Very interesting story, though, thanks for sharing ^-^
Just FYI, I’m a white guy from Southern California who speaks fluent Japanese and has been here for 20 years, and I, too, have been turned away every time I (half-heartedly) tried to visit one of these places. So don’t think it’s a “black” thing. I had a Filipino American guy working for me, who had never lost his cherry, and he went to one of those places no problem. So if anything it’s a “too different from us, sorry” thing.
I’ve had aka-suri which is just cleaning dead skin cells from your body and dead skin cells which is 90% as fun, and no problem being turned away.
Hi Peter!
Quote from the post: “…not so much because I was black (actually I’ll never know if my color was a factor) but because I wasn’t Japanese (or Asian.)”
I’m sure you read it, but maybe you missed that.
Will look into Akasuri next time I need a scruffing lol