I want to say more…I do.
But I ain’t…
I will just reiterate what I told my peeps on Twitter/Facebook as it was happening:
“It’s enough to make you wanna spew chunks all over the office and personnel then make for the exit and never look back. I feel disgusted.”
“I feel so demoralized. I just want to leave. The. Building. Now. This is fuel for hate.”
“I forget how vulnerable I am emotionally to the BS until these moments. I put up a tough front, but this kind of shit kills me…”
The stuff from FB was a bit more graphic and in-depth so I’ll reserve that for personal friends. But I wanted to thank all my Twitter buddies for the encouraging words. Helped keep me from saying or doing something in that office I probably would have regretted, on the real.
I would give more details but I think I need a little distance from it to do it justice and not be too effing vicious. I mean, it’s a doozy but at the same time probably unfortunately something that most NJ living here have experienced at one time or another to one extent or another for it seems this is part of the national effing character.
…at least that’s how it was explained to me today by a representative of “We”.
It has been a solid three years since I’ve experienced this feeling of being gored in its full glory, though. After that first episode –which long time readers may remember for I blogged about it some time back — I had kept my guards up. Not sure why I dropped them, to tell you the truth. Distracted by all this book hoopla, I bet. Or focusing too much on the editing of the second, and what not, and forgot that I’m still primarily (at least income-wise) a teacher working for a Japanese company.
I guess you can say it’s my bad. But, you can bet your bottom dollar it won’t happen again.
That’s assuming I ever recover from this wound. I really don’t know how to do it, nor how I might respond next time one of them comes a-grinning in my grill piece.
All day I kept thinking about Malcolm X who once described the conditions for blacks in America this way: “If you stick a knife in my back nine inches and pull it out six inches, there’s no progress. If you pull it out all the way, that’s not progress. Progress is healing the wound that the blow made. And they haven’t even begun to pull the knife out, much less heal the wound. They won’t even admit the knife is there!”
A friend of mine on Facebook said something along the same lines (which is why she is a friend, for she gets it more than most.)
She said: Backstabbing does happen everywhere, but it feels different in Japan for a variety of reasons. One is that it’s often done with a smile and takes you by surprise. Another is that you’re expected to pretend that it’s no problem at all even as the knife is twisted. In the U.S., no one expects you to smile while they mess with you, and most people don’t pretend it’s not happening (at least on some level).
As Forrest Gump used to say: