23 March 2013 ~ 6 Comments

Hi! My Name is Loco and I am a Racist : The Lost Chapters (and Comments) #1

As they say in the reggae world:

***Special Request and by Popular Demand***

Direct from the Hunterfly Road Publishing editing room floor (edited for length, not quality, of course) I bring you the first of several long (not really) lost chapters of  “Hi! My Name is Loco and I am a Racist”

As readers well know, portions of the book were originally part of a series I did on racism three years ago (wow). One of the most poignant and popular series to ever grace this blog (or the Japan blogosphere, let some tell it, but you didn’t hear it from me).

A good friend of mine, Chris, of the kick-ass blog “Confessions of a Bad Boy in Japan” has jumped on me a number of times about the unavailability of this series on my blog, not only for the posts but for its comments, as well. I’ve blown him off til now for my own reasons.

So, as a special favor to him, for he has been an avid supporter of LIY for years, I’ve decided to pull a George Lucas (minus any exchange of money) and re-release some of them!

Therefore, while I am in the process of editing the second book, I will be, from time to time, re-posting some of these lost chapters as well as some of the comments from those and from posts that made it, in edited and expanded versions, into the book.

Readers, supporters and fans of the book who weren’t around for the original posts ought to get a kick out of this, and for long term followers of LIY consider it a blast from the past. (-:


This first post was actually Part 27 of the original (37 part) series, and if it had made the book it would have been simply entitled: Orenthal



A couple of years earlier Los Angeles, a hotbed of events related to race, was the scene of the above event. An event as divisive as the whole OJ thing.

An event which eventually lead to this:

African-Americans were still reeling from that disgraceful blow to our collective humanity when this OJ thing got underway. There had been riots in cities across the country that dark day, but LA’s had got the most attention because it lasted the longest. I mean, New York is a powder keg. Always has been and probably always will be. But, when the verdict had come down the violence was kept to a minimum for some reason. Maybe we were busy watching the folks in LA go ape-shit.

I know I was.

While it didn’t snap my mind, as it had done to many blacks, that verdict had broken my heart. And I’d allowed it to re-confirm all the things I’d been raised to believe about America and about white people. That they were, for the most part, evil, and had so much power that they could turn a cut-and-dried videotaped desecration of the laws they’ve instituted into a parlor game.

I was enraged that day!Utterly humiliated. I mean, there I was thinking that finally there would be a reckoning, that people across the country, around the world, having seen with their own eyes the hate and lawlessness practiced by those tasked to enforce the laws that black folks have been enduring on a regular basis in ghettos across the US their entire lives…Finally, finally, people would see! See us, see them, maybe even see themselves…

Yeah…I dream big, don’t I?

Instead, the Press Release the acquittal of those officers sent out to the nation and to the world would read: “don’t worry, we haven’t forgotten that niggers are niggers, and we know how to treat niggers!”

NWA had it right, didn’t they?

So did PE:

I remember when I first heard what NWA was spitting over there on the West Coast. Part of me LOVED it: the anger, the profanity, the recklessness, the rawness, the fuckyouitiveness, the audacity! The audacity to say what many of us felt, in the language we used amongst ourselves. I was proud of them! It was inspired, and I was inspired.

The other part of me…the part that loved Hip Hop and what the artist of the day had done with it, actually thought NWA was a bit over the top, designed to draw fire. It was uncouth, lacked the refinement, the subtlety necessary to get the point across, to engage society in positive constructive debate…I knew, they knew, everybody knew, that the media would focus on the manner more than the message.

I thought (while bopping my head to Dr. Dre’s slamming ass beats): now, come on fellas, this is no way to go about affecting change…nothing will improve as a result of your lyrical assault…nothing at all…all you’re doing is making them happy by making yourselves an easy target for a media lynching, making things worse for the artists out here trying to get things done. Look at all the achievements Martin Luther King was able to accomplish through non-violent speech and non-violent protest. MLK would never say Fuck the Police, now would he? He didn’t have to say it. His actions spoke for him, and loudly. Police would tell him if he marches in their city they’d teach him a lesson. He didn’t say fuck you! He just fucked them! He didn’t get all inflammatory with his remarks. He just went ahead and marched anyway. And the whole country got to see on the news what animalsshitkickers can be, with their clubs and dogs and hoses. He sacrificed himself, and inspired thousands in the doing, black and white, to do the same. Who do you think you’re gonna inspire with that rabble rousing bombastic complaining you’re doing?

Yada yada yada…but they had it right!

Then, OJ comes along.

I was never a big OJ fan. I wasn’t into football then and so he was just this guy with a famous name pimping rental cars…and embarrassing himself in films like Naked Gun.

But they had it in for him…a rich nigger. A famous nigger. Not a Mandingo, nor an Iceberg Slim, but sporting himself a fine ass white woman nonetheless, who turns up gruesomely murdered along with the guy she was seeing.

Yeah. They wanted him bad! At least I felt so.

And, they just knew they had him. That low-speed chase in the Bronco- his suicide run- pretty much served as a confession as far as they were concerned.

But, the more they wanted him, the more I wanted him to walk! I had no faith in the blindness of American justice. At least not as it’s been administered against blacks.

And when I saw OJ all I saw was a strong black man, with the means (meaning loot) to hire himself the best legal representation money can buy, and put his cut-and-dried, guilty as the day is long, black face right in the face of the same corrupt, biased system that 2 years earlier had spat and laughed in the face of Black America and set those racist bastards in uniform free.

Did Simpson say,” please don’t hang me massah…I’se be a good nigger”? No, not quite. Did he say, “Fuck you, yo’ Annah! And yo’ justice, too! After you sentence this nigger and throw away the key, you can kiss my black ass”? Nope, he didn’t go that route, either.

I think he said something like, “I beg your pardon, America, but it’s your corrupt police force, with redneck racist in its upper echelon calling the shots, so un-balanced by their hate and so accustomed to screwing people with no legal recourse that they can’t even conduct an investigation without unnecessarily fouling it up with their institutionalized railroading techniques that’s the real villain here, if you don’t mind me saying. Not me, your honor. I’m as innocent as a Kennedy would be in my position.”

America watched as true American-style justice was served. A justice system where blacks have found themselves constantly under-represented in the court rooms and over-represented in the penitentiary. A penal system that would be more representative of the general population if it weren’t for the white privilege and economic inequality resulting from centuries of slavery, Jim Crow, and racist policies designed to keep blacks under-privileged and at just such a disadvantage. Most inmates are there simply because they couldn’t afford a lawyer like Johnnie Cochran, a professional at raising reasonable doubt, uncovering mishandling of evidence in laboratories, exposing circumstantial evidence for what it is; who could stand tall and respected before a jury and spit lyrics like, “if it doesn’t fit you must acquit” and make that shit stick!

The travesty that is the criminal justice system had worked disproportionately in favor of the affluent (which means almost exclusively white) so long that it was shocked, rocked to its very foundation, when an affluent black man (accused of savagely killing not one but two white people) actually made it work for him. It was as thick a glob of unscrupulous mucus in the face as the verdict that sparked the LA riots was.

Nicole who? Ronald who? Honestly, I didn’t invest much emotion in what happened to the victims. Sheeeeet! That kinda shit happens constantly in the hood! Innocent people, randomly, meet their maker at the hands of cold blooded killers on a regular basis. One of my mother’s best friends was found chopped up in pieces in a bathtub in her home, Scarface-style. It barely made the papers in New York. No ones raises a clamor over these things because the victims were poor and black and probably so were the killers.

But, this case stunk of race and class and privilege and corruption, and put all of that on trial for all Americans to see, on TV, every day and night for damn near a year.

This was impossible not to get emotionally vested in. They called it the trial of the century. I don’t know about that. But it was certainly a wake-up call, an Espresso enema up the ass of America.

My job, at the time, was at a company where what happened in the media directly impacted our ability to conduct business. Big news stories like this one bumped PR stories which were our bread and butter. In our work areas we had lots of televisions and thus every day we were all over the news, praying this OJ thing would just go away, knowing it wouldn’t, and digesting every bit of it.

I had to sit at my desk and listen to my mostly white co-workers talk about how this monster (meaning OJ, not the American justice system) needs to be lynched. I kept my honest opinion on this matter to myself. At least in the office I did. I knew it was too controversial to discuss with anyone white. Even my best buddy- a white guy- I held my tongue with, for the most part. It was bad enough everyone was looking to me to affirm that how they felt about OJ had nothing to do with race but the simple fact that all the evidence pointed to him, “…and he looks like a killer, doesn’t he?”

“Who? OJ?”

“Yeah, don’t you think so?” This was from an Italian girl who sat near me for years.

“Well, of course you’re innocent until proven guilty, but….”

“But, come on, Loco! You know that man killed that poor woman! My god! Just look at him!”


And, I’d look at Orenthal James Simpson on the TV on our desk. This ex-athlete, ex-husband and father, endorsement machine, movie star, hero in many circles of the black community, living the American dream, strutting around the courtroom, trying to look meek, confident that one day he’ll breathe air free of this accusation…and I’d watch the TV station’s incessant insertions of footage of his estate (known as Rockingham for chrissakes, which far as I was concerned, for its pretentiousness and British-feel, meant “guilty” as sin) with his driveways, swimming pool and tennis court…you know, just in case we didn’t get that this case was about class as well as race.

Of course, he was guilty.

“I’m going to reserve judgment until the verdict is in…” I said, though. “I mean, he was rich enough to hire professionals if he wanted her killed, don’t you think?”

“That psychopath!!! He might be rich but he’s just a bum. A two-bit…” and she bit back the rest of her statement. I knew where it was going though.

There was a lot of that going around in the office.

A nigger is a nigger is a nigger. What’s a nigger with money? A rich nigger. He might live in an opulent estate in Brentwood, his ex-wife driving around in a Ferrari, Limos waiting in one of his driveways to take him to the airport, to fly off first class to make more money endorsing American corporations… but he was still capable of doing the same savage, stupid shit that niggers do in the poorest parts of L.A.: Burning down their own communities, looting local businesses, killing their own people. Making the world a more dangerous place for the Nicoles and Ronalds.

“I don’t care…he’s guilty!” she said eventually.

“Who knows?” I said like I suffered from non-committal-itis.

I’d go home to my people, and that subway ride could’ve been through a wormhole for the difference between what was being said at the office and what was being asserted in my neighborhood among my peeps. Such as:

“Of course that mother fucker did it. But, I sure do admire his gangsta.”

“Damn, that nigga living like that off of Naked Gun movies and rental car ads???”

“Man, what the fuck is wrong with him? Why didn’t he just hire somebody to do that bitch? I mean, any nigga know, once you get large you don’t need to get hands-on anymore. That motherfucker musta took too many hits to the dome piece in the NFL…”

“That mother fucker gonna walk! If I ever get in trouble over some bullshit, best believe I’m uh have me uh Shapiro and a Cochran to keep my black ass outta the pen, too.”

“See, that’s what he get for marrying a white bitch! Nigga deserve to do time just for that!”

“I don’t give a fuck if he did it or not…fuck I care? Ain’t putting no money in my pockets…”

“If he was Joe Namath or Franco Harris and Nicole and Ronald were black, I wonder how this shit would be playing out…can you imagine? Probably not. You seem like one of them guys who think white people could never do no shit like that!”

“Man, if Nicole and Ron were black, the headline woulda been “OJ is a suspect in the killing of some hoe and her pimp.”“Oops sorry, correction: that was his ex-wife, Shaquanna…and her new sugar daddy. Couldn’t make a positive ID cuz of that busted-ass wig!”

to be continued…


Brace Yourselves


Showing 27 of 27 comments

  • Meg
    Loco, I was there with you in the office all those many years ago and thought it might interest you to know what was running through my head (for readers knowledge, I am white) during the OJ Simpson trial, especially the day that OJ was acquitted. During the trial, I was doing a lot of volunteer work with victims of domestic violence, black and white, rich and poor. What I saw was a woman who was not protected by the police, who had to beg for police to come to her house when she was threatened and who ultimately lost her life, most probably at the hands of a jealous ex-husband. Why? Not because of his color, but because if a woman is murdered, it is almost always at the hands of someone that she is, or was, in a relationship with. As far I was concerned OJ was probably guilty as was the LA police, as was many others in our lack of knowledge and understanding about domestic violence. Men have traditionally gotten away with violence towards women, because of attitudes that go back much further than Jim Crow, American slavery, and before.The day OJ was acquitted, and we all watched it live, I saw our office noticeably and (to me) shockingly divided by color. I finally realized that the trial was really about race after-all and how very little I knew about the African-American perception of US law enforcement. I was/am a very well-read, open minded, very left of center person but I was none-the-less ignorant about race-related issues which is probably no less a crime than being racist in the end. Since that time, I would add one more very obvious observation, that the rich (black or white) do have incredible privilege in this country and given enough $$, you can get away all kinds of crimes. So in the end it is best to be a rich white man and the worst to be a poor black woman.
  • Locohama

Meg! Wow! Thank you for blessing my blog with your thoughts!
!) I didn’t know that you worked with victims of domestic violence! That’s impressive…really does give you some perspective. Of course my mother, and I’m sure many mothers, have suffered through it and managed to survive, but many dont, as you’ve said so well.
You’ve gone and taken my blog to another level of reality (For my readers, Meg was senior management at my company), and you’ve also given my readers a preview of pt.28 cuz you know I was about to go there. (-:
Relieved to know that I wasn’t suffering from paranoia and wasn’t the only one feeling this division…
Thank you so much, and feel free to drop a line anytime (-;

  • Blackchild 3 comments collapsed Collapse Expand

    lol that was perfect and I feel the same way. White privilege is so ubiquitous that they don’t even understand any other way of being. Sort of like the white guy who told you to change topics because he was tired of what was coming through his feed .

  • Locohama, blogger, writer, teacher, not necessarily in that order 2 comments collapsed Collapse Expand

    Wow, thanks yo! Perfect? From you, the master of weaving a tale, that is high praise indeed. Yeah, that guy also reminded me to be careful with this subject so I aint mad at him!
    thanks blackchild

  • blackchildinkorea 1 comment collapsed Collapse Expand

    got a new tale for you stop by sometime

  • Chris Ballard
    Yeah, high rollin’, big money, Im foldin;
    Bitch on my tip, for the dick, Im holdin.
    Strong strawberry, jockin’ me so early;
    Hoe, ya wanna hit? Ya gotta get your knees dirty.
    Well that’s my life, that’s how it’s cut;
    “Hey Dopeman!” Bitch shut the fuck up!
    Gotta make a run, it’s a big money deal;
    Gankers got the fake, but you can get the real,
    From the…Chorus:
    Dopeman! Dopeman!
    Yeah, that’s me!
    Dopeman! Dopeman!
    Yo, can I get a G?
    Dopeman! Dopeman!
    Clock as much as he can.
    Fuck this shit, who am I?
    THE DOPEMANYo, there was a bitch named her out and shot her
    Straight to the Muthafuckin’ trigger and said “I got her!”
    But I had better plans to give her the blues
    Like dumpin’ her in the river with sea net shoes
    I knew my money was commin’ up sho’
    And the thought that the stupid bitch thought she’d never get cought
    Came home early and straight bust her ass
    On the couch with the other nigga countin’ my cash
    I should’ve known she was like the motha ho’s
    I told the 2 Muthafuckaz to take off their clothes
    Butt naked nothin’ left but the shoes
    I had up a 9 so they could’nt refuse
    I shot the nigga he was outa there
    And tied the bitch to the Muthafuckin’ chair
    Now there’s one less bitch I gotta worry about
    Everybody out, that’s how it turns out*****************
    actually thought NWA was a bit over the top, designed to draw fire. It was uncouth, lacked the refinement, the subtlety necessary to get the point across, to engage society in positive constructive debate…I knew, they knew, everybody knew, that the media would focus on the manner more than the message.
    *****************They drew attention to the anger on the street they scared white folks. Shit they scare everybody a bit. But…don’t shoot the messenger because he doesn’t deliver it in the way YOU think best fits. Gotta see the forest through the trees. (not talkin too you).Were their explicit narratives fantasy? Did that kinda shit NOT happen? Of course it DID. People being uncomfortable with the truth is always a symbol of our own united ignorance. I remember where I was exactly when I 1st heard N.W.A which was in a well equipped car thankfully. It changed my life. I don’t go anywhere or buy a ride without throwing 2 15″ subs in it right away so can bang ruthless at will.
    N.W.A deserves more mad love than 2pac and Biggie get. I LOVE 2pac but he walked through an artistic door that was kicked open by N.W.A. Lighter versions of the same experience.O.J. “money can’t buy me a faithful wife but it can help me beat a murder rap” Simpson.This is like a dynamic physco test. Can you seperate yourself from the group and stick to facts?
    Can you drain yourself of personal emotions and just look at it in a cold uncaring manner?
    Do cops saying nigger in L.A. really shock you? Why? Eazy E can say it because he’s black but a cop cannot because he’s not? And that means he mighta been in on a department wide conspiracy ? And do you believe J. Cochran himself even believed that? A defense lawyer’s job seems to elude even some very intelligent people. He turned people away from science and common sense and flicked on their emotion…pure genius.Would this all have been different if the “cast” had different skin colors? Do you even have to ask that? Yes…you do. Watching blacks cheering caused me to get into a fistfight with a black classmate in H.P.U it happened instantly. I walked into the Hawaii Pacific Universities Kailua campus’s student lounge as it was being read. (I knew it was coming but the black students leap of joy caused a rage so deep I can’t trace it’s roots with confidence. Before my Mother received her inheritance we were poor as poor. I was eating captain crunch for dinner and had 2 pairs of geranimals blue (hippo) and yellow (giraffe). I knew hungry. I knew some of my friends were not allowed to hang around me because of my address (at that time) and the rage I displayed even as an Elementary kid. I was angry. After my mom got the cash we moved. And people were nicer to me?? I got MORE ANGRY to see the pathetic shallowness of people. I was THE SAME FUCKING PERSON that went to bed hungry. Now I’m O.K. because I live in a different area? You simple fucks! I will roll you, steal from you sell drugs to your kids and beat them with viciousness when they make me angry the rich little fucking chronics.And I did..I beat that black kid because he was being ignorant in a SCHOOL. A University. A place of higher learning.
    I had just been listening to Snoops “Murder was the case” on my way to school and I was feelin good with a sliver of dread. I don’t wanna see the cheering either way. I wanna hear a discussion. “Please don’t disappoint me I thought” and then BAM! While I was punching him I was thinking…”Being black gives you the right to be stupid? Do you think you got the corner on suffering? Did you ever go without dinner and eat other peoples school lunch because that’s all there is? Have you ever suffered or do you think you skin color gives you the rights to claim upon the suffering of your forefathers? Who the fuck are you? I’m paying for this course..are you? Are you a rich black kid who thinks he’s got an auto-geto-pass? I mighta sold to you you fuck. You are the problem. You want your 4 acres and a mule? huh? I got a fist for you.He was me but black and dumber. I doubt he ever really suffered in a personal way. I can’t believe he woulda ignored my presence and celebrated the aquital of a possible double murderer with such vigor. He was a fool. I ended up paying 2,500 dollars to him and was assigned my 1st anger management course. I was allowed to continue my classes after 2 weeks because the unique circumstances caused the School to just want this to go away.My reasons for the attack are deep but simple too. If a man berates his wife or smacks his kids at home it is not my thing if I’m not aware. If a man berates or smakes his kid at McDonalds while I’m trying to enjoy my meal then HE is disrespecting me or ignoring my ability to stop him. They are always wrong.
    If that kid was happy he had that basic human right. But he ignored my willingness to respond and it cost him facial damage. 2,500 dollars worth. He cost me 2 days profit. Big deal. It was worth every penny.***************************************************Never surrender, it’s all about the faith you’ve got
    Don’t ever stop, just push it til you hit the top
    And if you drop, at least you know you gave your all
    Be true to you, and that way you can never fall
    But beware, these backstabbers ain’t no joke
    Just like a rope, they hang on you until you’re broke
    And when you’re broke, they move onto the next dope
    And there you are, can’t even pay your car, nope
    And when you reminisce, thinkin how you got dissed
    remember how it felt, and then remember this
    Be true to you, believe that there’s no one bigger
    Cause they can all suck dick – it’s strictly for my niggaz
    N.W.A played to my hate and deep rage.
    2pac formed into a deeper more thoughtful version. I would listen to Strictly 4 my niggaz and feel like he was talking to ME.. He was smart but let his heart bother his mind (me too) He was raised by his mother mostly and loved and hated her for deep reasons (me too) He slept on a mattress on the floor with 2 pairs of jeans (acording to Jada Pinkett) me too pretty much. His big mouth and attitude caused people to miss his message (me too) We met by absolute destiny because I tried to sell the pizza to another driver because bouncers tipped like shit but no one wanted to be late (last delivery of the night) so I had to take it and met him even though I had hated his image before that moment. He was cool,funny,human, and judging from his lyrics pretty fuckin smart.

    But N.W.A…Oh N.W.A… they showed me I had a voice and I didn’t need to be black to understand exactly what they were talkin about.

    I’m just typing as I think so forgive me if it comes across as…

    added the RARE track I was slammin as I rolled into the school parking lot. It was released on the cassette version but not CD version? Dunoh why?
    This song reminds me of that “O.J. day”

  • Locohama, blogger, writer, teacher, not necessarily in that order 3 comments collapsed Collapse Expand

    Thanksforthe shout yo!
    “They drew attention to the anger on the street they scared white folks. Shit they scare everybody a bit. But…don’t shoot the messenger because he doesn’t deliver it in the way YOU think best fits. Gotta see the forest through the trees. (not talkin too you)”
    Let me expand uponthat a bit. MLK said fuckthe police in his way. A more palatable way for the people he was trying to galvanize. NWA said it directly which also galvanized people…and by making themselves targets for lynching they actually made sacrifices that helped expose the hypocrisy of thosewho pretend to sefend the constitution as far as censorship is concerned.
    Think I’ll write a piece about that one of these days.
    “Do cops saying nigger in L.A. really shock you? Why? Eazy E can say it because he’s black but a cop cannot because he’s not? And that means he mighta been in on a department wide conspiracy ? And do you believe J. Cochran himself even believed that? A defense lawyer’s job seems to elude even some very intelligent people. He turned people away from science and common sense and flicked on their emotion…pure genius.”
    The use of nigger by white people is…um…Well, lets see ifI can step back from it. I guess it depends on how its being used. I touched on that when I talked about my experience in the army. I don’t think the LA cops use it the same way Frick did. I think it was being used disparingly. You dont agree?
    And if it was, then that would indicate to me that, at minimum, there is a general disrespect of blacks. Doesthat on its own constitute conspiracy? no. But who can “serve and protect” citizens they dont even respect?

  • Chris Ballard 1 comment collapsed Collapse Expand

    #1 Great topic. Back into the “thought provoking’ stuff. It’s your best form of writing by far loco.

    (.and by making themselves targets for lynching they actually made sacrifices that helped expose the hypocrisy of thosewho pretend to sefend the constitution as far as censorship is concerned. )

    Agreed. they also kicked open a creative door for every Hip hop studio gangster that followed on top of shining the spotlight on the real south central and alotta other places experience.

    (The use of nigger by white people is…um…Well, lets see ifI can step back from it. I guess it depends on how its being used)

    Lotta black leaders have come forward including Farrakahn and pointed out the damage screaming nigger this hoe that on an album can do so it’s been slightly toned down. That self reflection came by seeing the clear inconsistency in calling each other niggers, printing it, selling it, (big record companies) then claiming it was not right for a non-blacks to utter it. Smart people saw the foolishness in that. Which is it? O.K. or not O.K.? That fucking gray area double standard is what was the cause of some serious pain in the first place.

    Your on my Facebook. Another Friend named Seneca is a BIG black brother with an even bigger heart and big fists. He once told me to “go easy with that nigger shit”.
    I was singin a song. Not talkin to him and he still went there. i said i could say whatever the fuck i wanted since I wasn’t aiming it at him. I almost got a ass whoopin but I didn’t and it wasn’t from backin down. I said if you don’t like it then ask me not to. Don’t be TELLING me what the fuck to do and assume Ima comply. You show me respect and I’ll show you yours. The only reason it has never come up with us is because i don’t see the need for the word itself. But I’m not avoiding it outta some auto-respect.
    Most white cops in L.A. at that time were racists towards Blacks,Mexicans because they saw the worst of what people can do to each other. It must be like living in a bubble to see kids getting wetted because of the color of their shirt. I don’t judge them. They were unofficial combat forces. I really cannot judge. I told you in a previous comment that i have a bullet in my right knee still. I was in west Covina for single day and a bullet found my body in 91′. That’s a pretty fucked up situation back then. I gotta big mouth and woulda normaly got into a fight but in Cali it was guns. he aimed at the ground, hit a man hole and it went into my knee but it coulda been my head.

    (But who can “serve and protect” citizens they dont even respect? )
    I was beaten by Hawaiian cops on Halloween in 2003 infront of stunned tourists. near 7-11 on Ena rd. They told me they would kill me next time. They broke into my apartment, they put me in a cell with a lifer who killed his girlfriend in a meth induced paranoid rage and all i did was give him my coffee and he was cool and my ass and life were spared but It coulda been bad. Cops did that to me so I ain’t about defending them. I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere near South central at that time as a young black male or a cop.


  • blackchildinkorea 1 comment collapsed Collapse Expand

    the reason the word is problematic is because it doesn’t exist in an ahistorical vacuum. traditionally when the word is spoken by whites it is as a precursor for derision and ridicule at best and violence at worst. the word doesn’t have that kind of automatic association when spoken by a Black person to a Black person. And make no mistake it is still wielded as a club ask Michael Richards, Johnathan Rhys Myers etc.

  • blackchildinkorea
    that was probably the most ignorant thing I have ever read. I guess white vigilantism is another form of white privilege. I mean how dare that nigger hold an opinion that was different than yours. He obviously didn’t know his place good thing Boss Ballard was around to show he was wrong.

  • Ignorant? as in intentionally ignoring reality? Doesn’t really fit..you see that right? You were lookin’ for another word maybe?

    (I guess white vigilantism is another form of white privilege)

    Oh sure, and black on black crime is a black “privilege”? Maybe you outta pull your head out of your ass and stop pretending like your any better than me. I hate people pretty much. I beat them with a regularity that is sadly decreasing. Mostly Japanese victims lately.

    You seem to have a hatred to white people? Why not go beat on some? The person I mentioned was black. That’s what happened. You think your better because you don’t use physical violence?

    I think your a coward that is afraid to express yourself unless safely behind a keyboard or other safe situations.

    (that was probably the most ignorant thing I have ever read)
    Really? THE…MOST? whenever I read shit like that I think the person needs to at least read some literature, learn world history, theology, maybe some psychology and definitely “live” some more.

    You sound dumber than me and you don’t even relize it. How does it feel to be intellectual inferior to an asshole with fast hands? That’s gotta suck.

    I would strike a man on the side of his head for violating my space of disrespecting me with the same velocity and without any consideration to the color of skin.

    I know me. I’m all fucked up but I got rules. You don’t even know yourself. Your words betray you. 2 mini responses about white people. Just go hit some for fucks sake. It’ll feel so good. Embrace the iner animal. You are fighting with your own heart.

    White privilege? ……I wish that or they or whatever the fuck your talkin about put food in my stomach when I was little. I wish they helped santa put some presents under MY Christmas tree. I wish they didn’t make me sleep on the beach for 2 weeks till i got a lucky break (from a Hawaiian) that changed my life.. White privilege? where they at? I coulda used their help way back.

    Ignorant is a good word to describe some people.

  • blackchildinkorea
    lol ok Chris you are a tough guy. You seem to have low self esteem did someone touch you as a young boy because you seem to have an inordinate amount of rage.Somebody must have pulled down your underoos at some point . You call me an internet tough guy when you are the one telling unverifiable stories of ignorant violence. One day you’ll be a man and grow up or maybe someone will put you out of your misery. Either way you did a good thing by moving to one of the meekest places on Earth. People from my community who fly off the handle and get violent about disrespect are usually the ones who have never done anything in their lives to be respected for. As for beating white people with my hands that is what is expected of a Black man. I would rather beat them with my mind and achievements. In your story you wrote about how you was treated as an other due to your lack of finances and your address but when your situation changed you immediately received different treatment. Now imagine a situation in which it didn’t matter what you did, achieved , or had you would more often than not receive second class treatment. In your situation the second class treatment was economic and temporary. In my situation the second class(if I’m lucky) is systemic and perpetual. Yet you are the one that is angry?

  • I asked you questions about white privilege. What is it? And for pointing out your own racism I am suddenly a victim of sexual violence? C’mon.

    My real dad smacked me around when he was drunk. Parents divorced and he’d always say he was gonna pick me up on this day at that time and he would end up at a bar somewhere while i refused to even go to the toiled because I thought I’d miss him. I blamed my Mom. She was protecting me but I refused to see that.I accused her of making him run away because she wasn’t good enough for him.I wanted to believe that more than the thought that he rejected me although I think that’s what lay underneath when in truth he was just too young and weak to be a father I saw my father in everyman I have ever attacked and people making me wait makes me go off the fucking handle.

    That’s it (the rage) pretty much. People always stopped bothering me after I hit them. Violence is a tool. It gets superficial respect which I prefer over any form of disrespect. My complexes have their own complexes. I’m a mess.

    (One day you’ll be a man and grow up)

    I’m a man that makes more money per week than any teacher I’ve ever met because I’m also the owner. I bought a car in cash and an apartment in Hawaii with cash that is now more than doubled in value. You cannot mean superficial symbols of growing up obviously. Are you your own boss? Does ANYONE tell you what the fuck to do? What is your net worth oh educated one? Nobody tells me what the fuck to do. NOBODY. If that’s related to my complexes than lucky me.

    (As for beating white people with my hands that is what is expected of a Black man.)

    Who expects that? The mass media? Who expects that and why do you let it play you?
    You do “A” because “B” expects you to do_____? Your a slave to your own parafuckin’noia.

    You really believe your way is better than mine. Working for someone else….showing people with your brain and not your fists. Gee, I bet your really changing the world. You need to admit your clear anger and how it moves you before you can have a real discussion.


    I’m the boss…………Your another persons tool

    I own an 800,000 dollar condo (cash, paid 325,000 10 years ago) I can charge 1,700 per month rent but choose to leave it empty in case I need it suddenly..

    My cars stereo system cost more than your car. If you even drive one? (paid cash for that too).

    The money game is a joke to me because I can practically print the shit. (I have (9) privates that pay 8,000 for an hour at their place, at my school privates pay 4,000 (6) and adult groupers are 1,500 (19) and kids pay 1,000 (45) that’s ….assuming a full attendance..72,000+24,000+28,000+45,000 PER WEEK.

    How much money is that spineless….Ima educate with my mind and not my fists” turning out?
    You think it’s an either or kinda thing ? You can’t knock people out AND get paid. I gotta student who went from ABC’s to trying for Harvard in 5 years. Not only am I a teacher, I’m the best fucking teacher you’ve never met.

    I can debate with Loco because his best writing is self reflecting on his own weaknesses, complexes and other self perceptions. I KNOW I’m all fucked up but you think I can run a School for 6 years teaching kids and adults without some self control? I learned to choose when and on whom I lose control. You imply i should be killed (put out of my misery) was the victim of sex abuse and other insults while thinking at the same time your in some way better? You don’t articulate it very well

    Your skin is black but your just a little dickhead with no balls underneath.

    @chris @blackchildinkorea Maybe I wasn’t clear before…cease and desist! Stick to the issues….please.

  • Lovfro 6 comments collapsed Collapse Expand

    I have to jump in here, but you should then be consistent in asking Chris not to write about, and tacitly and sometimes openly approve, of his violence as expression in every other post. If you allow that, you’ll have to allow people commenting on his foul anecdotes. I did once on the old version of this blog, without insults or profanity, and was met with the same hostility Chris displays towards everyone who does not immediately back slap or high-five him or in other ways stroke his ego.

    @Chris: Hiding behind an admission of knowingly ‘being fucked up’ is either a cop-out or an admission of weakness. You go on and on about how you are a self made man, how you can do basically anything you set your mind to, yada yada yada. So either you do not believe that your way of acting is fucked up, and only parrot societies opinion of your actions in describing yourself as many with APD learns to do, or you are too weak to change this aspect of yourself, and instead of admitting to failure, you play it up and make your violent tendencies a badge of honour. Personally I’m rolling with explanation one. You have tried to cover your actions as ‘teaching someone a lesson’ in the past, but but what you write here about getting “superficial respect which I prefer over any form of disrespect” rings so much more true.

    Can you show selfcontrol? Of course you can, you are a brute with antisocial personality disorder (aka sociopathy), but not stupid. You have learned the hard way where the limits are, and as most APDs you learn not to shit where you eat. This does not change that you should not teach kids, as you as an educator becomes a role model and them emulating your behaviour is a real danger.

  • Well…i give Chris carte blanche to pretty much say what he likes because he has been down with Loco and supported me when I needed it. On a number of occassions he has been the kick in the ass, or the jump start, or the cheerleader I needed. Sure, he’s prone to get at people. And anyone is free to get back at him, as blackchildinkorea and yourself have done. If you’re suggesting I edit or bar him from my blog that aint gonna happen.Sure, he’s not PC and it aint pretty sometimes but his writing comes from the heart i believe and it inspires me to come from my heart and bring it rugged and raw, and what more can a writer ask for than that kind of readership, the kind that inspires? Some people only comment when they have something nice to say. That’s ok. Some poeple only speak up with they want to criticize something i’ve said…not so cool, but i let those through too, as long as its not off the wall…Chris brings both! And to me that’s mad cool. (case and point) He just tore ME a new asshole the other day, but you know what: I didn’t sit there and pick it apart…or start hating on him cuz he didn’t let me down gently or use KY or anything. Cuz I knew where it was coming from cuz i’m feeling him! He set a fire under my ass and the result is pt 26 and pt 27 (both of which I’m very satisfied with) and pt 28 is underway. In other words Chris, THANK YOU, if you’re reading this, (and I know you are) know that my support aint fucking tacit at all, it’s full on son! And stay on me!

    (Chris, THANK YOU, if you’re reading this, (and I know you are) )

    I got the “Ghostery” plugin for Firefox 😉 I’m seein 6 trackers. I KNOW you see me!
    I’m out for the night lookin forward to the next installment. You the man bro’ I’m just a fucking bystandard watching some seriously ill writing going down. people are gonna be hitting and commenting on your shit for years. As long as your doing all the S.E.O good stuff for the search engine spiders your content is gonna be copied and published by some college student doing a thesis someday if not already. I have typed more on my comments than on my own blogs posts.
    That’d be good or bad depending on where your standing 🙂


  • Lovfro
    I’m not saying you should ban or censor him, I was just commenting that if you censor others for taking offence, and voicing it, with Chris’ violence braggadocio, which are most of the time tangential to the story, you would be a hypocrite. I respect you Loco, and I can follow you on where you stand with Chris. He is indeed an intelligent bloke and I always reads his comments, because there are nuggets of gold hidden in all the shit he writes. I just do not get your approval of his violence, I thought you were better than that.


    I’m not sure what you mean by “better than that” but I don’t believe I’ve censored anyone (except the occasional troll). And, I think, what you call violence i call Chris’ style…if anyone feels physically threatened by anything said by Chris’ personally I think they just don’t get him. This is a comment section on a blog, fr’crhissakes. Maybe it’s just that he reminds me of many heads I grew up with that I have nothing but love for in spite of their violent tendencies. Maybe it’s cause he speaks with the kind of verve and says some of the things I’d love to have the courage to say. Sure, some of it aint kosher, but, shit, like my girl Jill Scott sang, my “background aint squeeky clean…shit..sometimes we all gotta swim upstream. I aint no saint we all are sinners!” Youknowhutumsaying lovfro? and, if that makes me a hypocrite, so be it. Loco ain’t nearly perfect, but I “put my good foot down and make my soul a winner”




    @Chris: Hiding behind an admission of knowingly ‘being fucked up’ is either a cop-out or an admission of weakness. You go on and on about how you are a self made man, how you can do basically anything you set your mind to, yada yada yada.)I find that admitting my weakness helps me. I get strength from it. We are all weak in bigger or smaller, obvious or less obvious ways. Knowing my own weak points helps me to sometimes get around a thing that might have blocked my progress.

    (or you are too weak to change this aspect of yourself, and instead of admitting to failure, you play it up and make your violent tendencies a badge of honour)

    Can you allow for me to be different? I see violence as a tool that can be used for many things. Some people need a beating. You don’t think that way. O.K.

    Let me give you an example. Please humor me and just read and respond.
    Your friend says that he thinks someone is trying to pick-up or is sleeping with his girlfriend. I use this because it is not a shockingly rare event and it has happened that 3x in my life a friend has eluded to me such a thing.

    What would you say if this were disclosed to you? Would you advise he confront her? Would you advise that he confront him? Would you advise him to walk away?

    This might be where you and me begin to differ. I wouldn’t and didn’t advise anything. I think that I am being told this with an expectation to do something. So I did twice and was stopped the 3rd time.

    1st time (Mark) I went into the Hyatt Regency lobby in Waikiki and dragged the guy into the men’s room and I tried to shove his head into the urinal but couldn’t so I just kept kneeing him and asked him if he liked fucking around with other men’s girls.
    (The friend was the leader of the Harley club and now runs the franchise. He married the girl and has 3 little kids. He told me he couldn’t contact with me anymore)
    **friendship finished**

    2nd time (Brian) Brian brought the guy to my apartment as planned. Brian apparently didn’t really think I would do what i said I’d do. I did. The guy admitted under duress what he had done.I also told Brian that his girl had been quite kind to me as well(nothing happened with me of course)
    (Brian’s now wife’s lover got a restraining order against me and Brian stayed with that girl and last i heard they were going to get married)
    **friendship finished**

    3rd time (Anonymous who is on my short Facebook friends list) He I’D’d the guy and I was going to “Knee cap” him outside a club near Iwakuni Base. The night of the plan my friend disclosed that he had also been unfaithful and begged me to just drop it. I did. He is still my friend and loves me like a brother because I would have done it with pleasure.

    If you were ever in a tough spot Lovfro, I would be the person you would want next to you. Especially if I considered you a friend. I would stay for the rough stuff and cover you. How you acted later would depend on you. I have lost friends by extending myself beyond their imagination. I still don’t quite get it? I was told for a reason. My behavior is known. The 2 times I have done what i said I’d do i have been left behind. I went after the “other guy” the person who had brought trauma to my friend and i did what I thought real friends do. I didn’t fly off the handle. I explained how I would “teach’ that person. By disrespecting a friend they had disrespected me. They will know me now and remember me forever.

    If i say i will do something I will do it. I never talk about____ if I know I can’t do_____. I just don’t say anything. My stress has partly derived from realizing that most people are full of shit most of the time. They lie without thought. They talk about other people in ways that they wouldn’t say too that person. They have no rules that they put on themselves. They wear the yolk of societies rules and sometimes can’t even do that. What happened to everyone? When did it become O.K. to get your cock sucked in the W.H. and then point an accusing finger at the public and lie? Is that the best we can expect? I don’t care about his sex life but don’t fucking lie to me and your wife for 6 months. The leader of our tax system forgot to pay his own fucking taxes?

    You think I’m the headcase but I think most of you all are the headcases. I am predictable. I have rules. I follow those rules. It has been my damage but I cannot change. I can’t accept that this is the way it is.i have a stability that comes from mechanical consistency. I always say what I mean and think without thought towards others because that would be a filter and if “me” is hard for others to accept then it’s best everyone knows as soon as possible.

    (This does not change that you should not teach kids, as you as an educator becomes a role model and them emulating your behaviour is a real danger.)

    How many teachers do you know that put in the time and effort to do what I do? I have people waiting to get in. I am a strict teacher but I am performance oriented.My students get results. They are the ones with the guts to talk to their ALT’s because I teach them to be opinionated,inquisitive and respectful. The “Education Mom’s” love me. I am their English wet dream. I teach kids to have pride in what they do. I share the culture behind the language through parties and events. I had a meeting with all the parents after 2006 and the blog was discussed and many voiced concerns so they (kids) and all adults were not pictured. I only follow a couple classes who’s parents are my original members and that’s about it.
    I am judged by a clear system of results. Conversation oriented with enough Eiken/TOEIC focus to keep them from jumping to a juku as it relates to English. You think i shouldn’t be around kids? You know how many graduate students there were in Harvard last year from Japan? 1. I am close to taking a member of my first class and sending him there. Taking the SAT’s in English. You think that would be possible If i fucked around at all, ever, in any way? I don’t know if he’ll get in but he’s trying and he is already qualified to enter Todai. Harvard is a reasonable goal by his own teachers estimations. That’s what 5 years of my influence has done. I have mostly girl students and 2 have already gone to Waseda’s English litt program and another went to Washington state’s ESL course. I have helped shape lives in a positive way. i am proud of them and really proud of myself.

    @blackchildinkorea, I can disagree with someone and move right along. Hope you can do the same.
    @Loco. Love you man. You let me be me and you never pass judgement.. You have helped me in ways you will never know. I think your kids are lucky as fuck to have such an intelligent open minded teacher like yourself. Your a 1%’r You got the deepest most thought provoking blog I have ever read. i count myself lucky to have even landed here. I’m sorry for bothering any of your readers.

    (@blackchildinkorea @chris
    Man, you two!
    See, this is the reason I got into this series in the first place
    I respect both of you a great deal and I hope we can stick to the issues.)

    I love this shit. But claiming sex trauma,you should die is a little over the top from a person who seems to think they’re smart.

    (it is not emotional for me in any way ,his intellectual stance and his entire way of being is inferior)

    Um,…..O.K. your superior. You get the cookie. Congrats.

    *******End of off topic flaming for me********..

  • Locohama, blogger, writer, teacher, not necessarily in that order 2 comments collapsed Collapse Expand

    @blackchildinkorea @chris
    Man, you two!
    See, this is the reason I got into this series in the first place.
    I know this is an issue where emotions run high, thus most people avoid it like leprosy.
    I respect both of you a great deal and I hope we can stick to the issues. And avoid lettingthis devolve into some bullshit.
    Please continue to bless this blog with your considrable intelligence.
    And to my other readers, jump in, the waters warm and no sharks (or trolls) allowed

  • blackchildinkorea
    it is not emotional for me in any way ,his intellectual stance and his entire way of being is inferior and all I did was point that out. His story was he was driving to a university hoping to have an intellectual discussion about the outcome of the decision and when that didn’t happen he decided to pummel some Black man. That story is deranged on so many levels.

  • Lovfro
    If you are interested in reading more on police misconduct, go to http://www.injusticeeverywhere…

    Libertarian commenter Radley Balko also covers a lot on his blog http://http://www.theagitator.com/ if you like me don’t share his political views, just don’t click the links on that. Or like me do, for another kind of agitation =P

    I won’t by no means discount that blacks and hispanics get the short end of the stick. The national inmate statistics speak of this loud and clear and the way crack is treated with many times harder sentences as regular “white guys” powder cocaine is just one of many examples. Being a white guy in Scandinavia, I of course have no clue as to the black experience in USA and won’t try to pretend I understand.

    It seems that police and federal agencies in the US are getting less concerned with whether you are black or white. The ruling dichotomy these days is drifting more towards whether you are blue or not. They also seem to have taken on a fetish for shooting dogs and using SWAT teams to serve warrants.

    Back to Rodney King, I’d like to share something quite peculiar, and now when I remember hearing it, quite fucked up. I remember sometime in ’93 I heard a radio feature about a white teen, 17-18ish I believe, who bought a one way ticket to LA when the riots were going on to go there and take part. Some sort of misplaced revolutionary romanticism must have made him want to drop out. So he went and for half a year after that he lived as homeless in LA. Of course, him being the subject of a radio feature means that he made it back home to his safe, crime free middle class existence in a country only a little less homogeneous than Japan. Back in the early 90’s about 95% were ethnic Danes. Today it’s 90.1% and unfortunately with the rise in middle eastern and Africans in our little duck pond, racism has become more prevalent. But that is a tangent to what I was trying to say. This blokes experience tells a lot about how privileged and clueless we are to go partake in a race riot and live as a homeless as an adventure for shit and giggles.

    Hey Lovfro, thanks for the shout
    yeah, some people get it, some don’t but may some day…most don’t and never will. As long as it doesn’t permeate your reality why should u get it? Why does everyone need to be on the same page? I came to Japan partially for a Shit and Giggles adventure…japan is not a race riot, of course (never them) but it’s very real…more real than I thought it was for a long time
    Anyway I digree.


  • Lovfro
    Ambivalent typo at the end there Loco, Digress? Disagree? What is it? =P

    I think I want to clarify that I’m all for doing stuff for shit and giggles. I’m always all for trying to understand other peoples point of view and experience. But I think that there is a lot of things you can’t, nt for wont of trying, if not having lived it. I also think that there is a marked difference between going to Japan on a lark and going to a curfewed and martial lawed LA to participate in race riots, then live half a year as a homeless, without your family and friends knowing where you went to, tthen after half a year go to the Danish consulate to get them to contact mommy and daddy so they can buy you a ticket home, one notch on the adventure belt richer. It was also pretty goddamn stupid. The guy was on the side of the blacks, but could easily have encountered a severe beating like that truck driver did in the mass insanity that gripped people those days.

    Hey Lovefro, it was “digress” not disagree lol
    True, Japan is nothing like LA in the middle of a riot. (feel funny even having to clarifty that)
    And yes he could have gotten hurt in a riot (feel funny saying that too) where as the only danger I face here in Japan is mental, emotional and psychological…physically Im safe as hindu cows lol
    Thanks again

    Anyway, hope you all enjoyed this little walk down Loco in Yokohama’s memory lane.
    If you’re wondering why I pasted the comments inside this post, it’s because they’re from a comment system called “Disqus” which I don’t use anymore, mainly because I had so much trouble transferring my comments to and from Disqus. Now most of the comments from 2010 are in Disqus limbo and can’t be accessed unless I turn on Disqus again… )-;
    And, to the Bad Boy: Sorry for the delay, bruh! But you know how it go, business before pleasure (-;





PS: And if you haven’t read Hi! My Name is Loco and I am a Racist yet, what are you waiting for? A personal invitation? Check it out! It’s available in paperback and E-book version here.

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6 Responses to “Hi! My Name is Loco and I am a Racist : The Lost Chapters (and Comments) #1”

  1. Chris 24 March 2013 at 6:52 pm Permalink

    Oh….oh man I wanna go smash somebody just reading the hate. I vented here so much. I had no place to hit the release valve. I had a lot of pressure built up 😉
    I was assaulting people around that exact time and perhaps the day of or within days of that post. I just wanted to burn the fucking world down.



    I never saw blogging the same after this series. Epic. Butt naked anger coming from all around.

    • Locohama 24 March 2013 at 7:02 pm Permalink

      Man, these are some of the most classic effing comments ever! But if for any reason want me to pull them I will. Just let me know. Personally, I love it! And I forgot how effing great this post was (he said humbly)! I got skillz! lol

      • Chris 24 March 2013 at 9:10 pm Permalink

        Oh fuck no!! I dig em’ I remember running circles around a particular blogger who equated Japanese language skills with preventing what seemed like blatant racism….that was awesome. Fish in a barrel…..fish in a motherfucking barrel!! You were gone for a couple days in particular while I went into the late hours writing tons of comments to …good times!!
        I have no shame in my game you let anything and everything fly. I hope folks who did get the book come back and see the prelude.

  2. Will 25 March 2013 at 11:17 am Permalink

    Six degrees of separation, that game people play when naming movie stars… I’ve got a hard time recalling names, always have – a odd ‘defect’ that I’ve been able to get away with most of my life. At the same time, emotional memory from people sticks. Who knows why and who cares.

    I do remember paying as much attention to this post as I did when the chase was being broadcast live on TV. Filters (blinders) went up as I had no rage to throw on that fire. Yeah, I could have pretended to care. But about what? The excitement? I tuned out the media, which is fairly easy while not owning a television. Just as I turned away from the post and the raging bonfire of comments.

    Not long after the chase, perhaps sometime during the trial, that’s when the fever struck. Being around the more sports-minded, I’d made a crass comment, assuming the company I was in would have favored the quick man with the unforgettable initials. That’s when a soft and steady voice asked a very real question that was answered in silence, silence that I would like to say was out of reverence more than the shock. Or maybe it just humility. Mine.

    Six degrees of separation? There was only one between the dead and I. Had never really paid attention to names, but the memory stuck. Can’t un-say anything. I’d shown a lack of respect by saying what I’d thought people had wanted to hear. And I hadn’t even been asked.

    Fallout, maybe there isn’t any cure for it. Ended up picking up a book and guessing why it was written in two parts. Part I, the first half, was the most important. Probably why it was put together that way. Getting to ‘the good stuff’ is where I found a lot of inspiration. How a man started out, decided to stop going in circles and head in his own direction. “You don’t have to welcome me back into the community, because I never left.” (Credit where due – Thanks to D.A. Martin’s book review on Amazon, I was able to pull the quote)

    Now that one of the “Lost Chapters” is back and the blaze has long since died down, something tells me the coals are right for a firewalk. Time to put the memory out of mind (the one of that guy who stepped on a nail that went right through his foot, cauterizing it along the way). Can’t panic, need to keep moving.

    First time for everything…

    Thank you Loco.

    (You too Chris, thanks)

    • Locohama 25 March 2013 at 11:24 pm Permalink

      You’re welcome sir!
      “I’d shown a lack of respect by saying what I’d thought people had wanted to hear. And I hadn’t even been asked.”
      Man,that line is stuck in my head. To me, that is the worst deed to comtemplate, but I comtemplate it way too often. It haunts me. it plagues me. It applies for the editotial assistant position I post from time to time, and it has a glowing resume replete with writers and other artists that have enlisted his services and saw the popularity of their work skyrocket, as well as its profitability.
      And the resume sits on my desk, in the in-bin, always.
      I never touch it. But I’m aware of it the way you’re aware of people watching you without seeing them do it.
      I ought to ball it up, shred it, burn it, but I don’t…
      and chances are, I won’t…ever.

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