07 February 2017 ~ 1 Comment

If You Live in Japan and Never Use These, Consider Yourself Japanese

Over the course of my 13 years in Japan I have found that many of my feelings I just can’t express well in Nihongo. The Japanese “cuss” words just don’t do it for me. For example, all the feelings I would use “Fuck” to express in English, I simply couldn’t feel with its Japanese counterpart. So I was forced to create my own means of expressing the profanity in my heart that periodically needs an outlet. Feel free to use mine if you haven’t created your own already.

10- Shippai fucking chatta: Fuck me! Fuck, I blew it! I fucked up! I use when I do dumb shit. I dunno…long list of situations for when I’ve used this. One time I had a chance to bag a huge account for my consulting company but blew it because I was trying to bury any signs of “foreign aggressiveness”, and in doing so came off as unexpectedly (and disappointingly) passive…I could see it in their faces and knew it as soon as it happened. Fuck me!! Live and learn.

9- Wakan fucking nai! – I don’t understand a goddamn thing you’re saying! Fuck does that mean? That’s Japanese? You gotta be fucking kidding me…This can be used when your Japanese girlfriend (or boyfriend) or spouse gets angry at you and starts to spew all sorts of Japanese they know you can’t follow, ala Ricky Ricardo spitting Spanish at Lucy on the “I Love Lucy” show. (I pity the person who has never seen I love Lucy. Lucille Ball is perhaps the funniest woman to ever grace the idiot box) Midway through their harangue, you shout this and wave dismissively. By no means is this the way to de-escalate or resolve conflict and in some cases may even provoke further conflict, but you’ll feel better (at least I do) and isn’t that the point anyway?

8- Hotto ifuckingte! – Leave me the fuck alone! I started using this one, again, with my ex-girlfriend. She felt (and I really can’t fault her entirely) that I should de-prioritize my writing and upgrade our relationship’s. She had a point. A point she didn’t mind not pushing when she was studying to become an English language tour guide and using me daily for my bottomless well of English knowledge. Anyway, from my perch before my PC’s keyboard I used this little ditty occasionally…

7-UrufuckingseeShut the fuck up! Well, it can be used in so many different situations including the same situations you use numbers 8 and 9 in. If you need me to tell you more situations for which this ditty is useful then I envy you.

6- Miten-ja fuckingne yo! – Fuck you looking at? Why don’t you cut that shit out? Don’t you know staring at people for whatever fucking reason is fucking rude you asshole? I use this one on the trains or in cafes occasionally, when the intensity of the stare is higher than acceptable levels (laser intensity) or prolonged beyond what I consider to be apt time to get the “My God, he’s not one of us!” out of their system. Except kids…they can stare as long as they like (and they do, the little buggers!)

5- O-naka sui fucking chatta– Loosely translated it means: I’m so hungry I could eat dolphin sushi with fermented soybean gravy! Use anytime.

4- Mata fucking ka yo! – Not a-fucking-gain! Use any time. Like at work when I bring a bento of yakisoba and half my co-workers begin the daily chorus of “Yappari, Yakisoba!” or “Sugoi, you use chopsticks like a Japanese!” I can retort with this (in my head, or barely audibly under my breath, of course)

3- U-fucking-zai yo! – You’re getting on my fucking nerves! If you live in Japan and you can’t find a situation to use this consider yourself an honorary Japanese.

2- Osu fucking na! – Push me again and see if I don’t break my foot off in your ass! Sometimes I get pushed unreasonably and unnecessarily hard, generally by salarymen with attitude issues. This little ditty usually reduces it to reasonable.

AND NUMBER 1!! Drum roll!

1- Sumima motherfucking sen–  Excuse the fuck outta me! My personal favorite for obvious reasons. What? It’s not obvious? Well, sumima motherfucking sen! Allow me to explain…Sumimasen is the most ubiquitous word in the Japanese language, so the opportunities for uses are astronomical if you’re an habitual profanity user like me.

Well, I hope you find my list entertaining, if not useful. I have many more, of course. These are just the top 10. For a complete list Follow me on Twitter or  Facebook  I use them on occasion! Feel free to use any of the above, you can thank me later.


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One Response to “If You Live in Japan and Never Use These, Consider Yourself Japanese”

  1. Taro 3Yen 7 February 2017 at 5:24 pm Permalink

    Japanese are fμcked at using the fμcking f-word.

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